Army Honours 1878 Gurkha Agreement

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 9 March 2007

image for Army Honours 1878 Gurkha Agreement
The inimitable Fl. Lt. Dogegg-Jackson

The British Army has today agreed to honour an agreement made in 1860 by the then Head of British High Command in India, Flight Lieutenant Osprey Dogegg-Jackson.
From next month, the Gurkhas, those nifty little Nepalese chappies, will qualify for the same pay and conditions as British-born servicemen.

Despite the fact that, in 1878, flight had not yet been thought of, Fl. Lt. Dogegg-Jackson was thusly ranked, and it was largely through him that Gurkhas were first recruited and trained to fight in Queen Victoria's army.

Gurkhas, not to be confused with Gherkins, which are pickled cucumbers, were designated a Martial Race, not to be confused with a Marital Race, which is a dash to a wedding, by Dogegg-Jackson. He afforded them 'Full English Status', not to be confused with Full English Breakfast, which is sausage, bacon, egg, tomato, mushrooms and fried bread, with toast and a cup of Twinings.

When Dogegg-Jackson died mysteriously in 1880, (the military file says: "choked on a Gherkin"), the rights of the tenacious little Nepalese cucumbers were buried with him, until today, that is.

When the news was announced in London, Gurkha representatives, normally a picture of restraint, could not hide their joy and relief:

"Hooray", they said.

Private Benjarn "Benny" Knowsnobetter, who has served in the Queens Light Infantry Cannon Fodder Regiment for 81 years since he was 12 years old, said:

"Today we good luck."

Another expendable recruit, Pi Dizelf, 22, of the Royal 115th Bayonet Practice Battalion, under the command of Capt. Suicide, was over the moon.

"I over moon", he groaned from his stretcher, as he was rushed to a field hospital with a gaping stomach wound.

Until today, Gherkins have existed on a quarter of regular Army pay, and on a one-sixth pension.

Ex-Army spokesman, Patrick Mercernary, said:

"Equal pay? Equal pension? Let 'em have it. None of the awful brutes will live long enough to enjoy it! Diiiss-miss!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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