New Study Shows Opioids Really Not That Bad, Good For Shift Workers

Funny story written by Brock Bigbalow

Saturday, 7 December 2019

image for New Study Shows Opioids Really Not That Bad, Good For Shift Workers
For sure not in my bathroom

In a shocking turn of events, everything we thought we knew about the so called "Opioid Epidemic" has been turned on its head.

Results of a too-secret five-year study of the drugs has determined that, as long as a person continues to take them, with marginal dosage increases, nothing bad will probably ever happen to you.

What's even more shocking, the report concludes that, if regularly used by shift workers, not only does their productivity increase for short bursts of time, but it also eliminates the effects of the so called "shift work syndrome".

Dr. Kirk McKenna carried out the study at an unnamed fish plant in Canada's Arctic, where they famously have six months of darkness and six of sunlight. He is quoted as saying "After the proper dose was found, workers were not only unaffected by this, but seemed to forget altogether about it, as they did with most inconveniences."

The study was funded by a small start-up company called AmerisourceNiceguys, who say they are quite OK with the results.

More to come.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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