The Almighty Creator of the Heavens, the Earth, Outer-Space, and everything that is 'seen and unseen' in the complicated fabric that holds the physical and spiritual realms of the Universe together in unfathomable ways, ignored a prayer he received from drunken resident, Brad Smith, 39, last weekend.
After consuming two shots of Jack Daniel's Whiskey, half a bottle of cheap 'Flip-Flop' wine, and 27 cans of Old Milwaukee beer, Brad apparently told the Divine Trinity that he needed "a good woman" to show up in his life before he fell down a flight of stairs in his apartment and threw up all over the carpet in front of the main entrance door.
Sources confirmed that the silent prayer for a wholesome female to provide "nurturing love and balance" was received in the 7th layer of Heaven at 4:30 in the morning on June 29th, after several previous requests for more money, some good 1980s video games, a large-breasted prostitute from Thailand, and the Publisher's Clearing House had gone to the Moon.
Upon observing the burned-out Kwik Trip manager in La Crosse, Wisconsin, drink even more cheap beer, become cognitively confused, and pee all over his own refrigerator the next day, the Omniscient, Omnipresent, and 'All-Loving Father of Eternity' decided that Brad was 'a hopelessly dysfunctional, extremely negative, emotionally-unstable asshole who would probably derail the productive life of somebody else.'
"He joined a Christian dating site 2 years ago and had 19 requests from decent women who sincerely wanted to meet him," God told reporters.
"But he was too cheap, stingy, and noncommittal to pay a monthly fee in order to communicate with them," he added.
After ignoring Brad's request, God received a more urgent prayer from a troubled summer school student in Winneshiek County who was being harassed by a demonic, three-eyed, flying leprechaun with razor-sharp teeth and a 4.5 inch penis on its forehead.