Man Applies To Government To Relive His Childhood

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 31 March 2019

image for Man Applies To Government To Relive His Childhood
Now, then, now, then!

A man has sent an official request to the government to be able to relive his entire childhood until he was age 16, in return for any time he might have left until he dies.

Moys Kenwood, 55, from Hull, says he enjoyed the first sixteen years of his life so much, and has fallen into despair so often during the subsequent 39 years, that he can stand no more of the endless adulthood disappointments, trials, tribulations, arguments, disagreements, unfairness and inequality, that he will 'trade-in' all he has left, for his happy childhood. He said:

"I used to enjoy going to the park and riding on the swings, the see-saw, the roundabout, and sliding down the slide. I spent hours riding my bike, and years playing football and cricket with my friends. We'd go traipsing through the woods finding stuff, looking in birds' nests, catching frogs, and climbing trees. We'd collect wood for a bonfire, and make a Guy for Bonfire Night. We were 'carol singers' at Christmas, and enjoyed hours of fun in the snow building snowmen, or playing on sledges. We used to get on the bus or the train, and go to Hornsea or Bridlington, and spend hours on the beach and in the sea, during school holidays, or we'd go on a bike ride to Brantingham or Weedeley Springs with some pack-up for a picnic."

Having got started, he continued:

"All those birthday parties! The excitement! The food! The cakes! The gifts! The friends! The games! And Christmas! Mam's roast chicken dinner, the presents, the fun, the laughter, cocoa suppers, the TV shows we all wanted to see! The long, balmy summer days, the dark, early nights, the crinkly brown leaves in autumn, the crisp, white snow underfoot in winter, the electric blankets! It was great being a kid!"

Being an adult, however, isn't quite the same. Kenwood:

"Complete fucking drudgery. And problems. Day after day. After day. I've had enough - I want my childhood back, instead of this miserable sack of shit!"

A spokesman for the government said that Mr. Kenwood's letter had been referred to the BBC, for inclusion in its upcoming new series of 'Jim'll Fix It'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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