Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 3 November 2018

image for Saudi Consulate Open Again On Monday After 'Spring Clean'
Removes even the bloodiest stains

ISTANBUL: The consulate of Saudi Arabia, closed since the world's press started to ask uncomfortable questions about the murder of dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, will open its doors again on Monday after a 'spring clean'.

Business will be as usual, and normal opening hours apply.

Floors, walls, and ceilings have been scrubbed clean and treated with industrial-strength disinfectant after earlier complaints that the building looked, in some areas, like the scene of a murder. All working surfaces have been thoroughly cleaned, and are free from contamination of any kind.

Industrial operatives have been working day and night to cover every last inch of the consulate, to eradicate any sign of a struggle, and to ensure, by the appliance of sheer hard graft, that no member of the Saudi royal family could ever be connected with anything that may have happened there.

Visitors to the consulate will notice the bright, clean atmosphere with beautiful, exotic flowers, and the pleasant, new colour scheme which has been necessary since Mr Khashoggi's slaughter.

The whole building has undergone a dramatic change, and now exudes a cool, relaxing ambience that was so sadly lacking on 2 October, when its charms more closely-resembled those of the Bates Motel.

As well as having been newly-decorated, there is a new consul in change, after the previous incumbent of the post, Mr al-Otaibi, had to return to Riyadh in a hurry, in order to be murdered. New consul, Mr Assah Sinayshun, has extended a warm welcome, and the hand of Saudi friendship to all those gullible enough to risk grasping it.

Visitor information:

First floor:

Reception
Room 112: Visa applications
Room 113: Marriage documentation
Room 114: Notarization of documents
Room 115: Study in the kingdom
Room 116: Residence information

Second floor

Room 211: All other consular business, including the making-up of fantastic lies

Twenty-first floor

Room 2114: Murders
Room 2115: Dismemberment
Room 2116: Dissolving of waste materials

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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