A couple in Barrow-in-Furness have told family and friends that they are to divorce after failing to reach an amicable agreement in their decades-old dispute over their toilet seat.
Malcolm and Marjery Loggerhead have been man and wife for 52 years, but that will all end later this month, due to a longstanding argument over whether or not their toilet seat should be put down after a man has had a piss..
Naturally, Malcolm, 73, understands that, when urinating, he needs to raise the seat to avoid decorating it yellow, and, if he sometimes forgets to put it down again after emptying his bladder, well, that's a small price to pay for a dry arse when a woman subsequently uses the toilet.
Marjery, 71, takes a different view. She claims that the toilet seat has to be in the 'down' position for each and every visit she makes to the toilet to discharge both solid and liquid waste, and every time her husband wants to pass a stool. This, she says, is a 'majority', and, in a democratic society, the majority gets the vote. Malcolm disagrees.
"That's nonsense! Her figures just don't add up. On average, I piss 4 or 5 times per day, but, because of a bowel complaint I have, I only have a shit about once every three days. That means I piss between twelve and fifteen times as often as I take a dump. But try and tell her that - she just doesn't listen!"
Marjery isn't the kind of gal to take this lying down, though. She retorted:
"What extra effort does it take to put a seat down? If he forgot once or twice, fair enough. But this? It's every bloody time he has a piss! I've been putting up with this for half a century. And more! He can take his bowel complaint and shove it up his arse!"
The Loggerheads tried mediation through a marriage guidance counsellor in 2006, but had to stop attending sessions when Malcolm kept leaving the counsellor's toilet seat up.