"Toilet Hamlet" opens in West End

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 9 September 2017

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Not a dry seat in the house

It is the career "break" that stage actors have been dreaming about. Finally, a major theatrical production opened this week in London's West End featuring toilets on stage for the actors to use during the performance.

"Most plays are absolute hell," said famous actor Geoff Ham. "Sometimes you need to be on stage for three hours non-stop. The plebs in the audience can stop and take a shit whenever they want, but us thespians need to hold it in. I have heard some in the industry (not naming names but a certain Dame) use a nappy."

Hamlet will be performed for two months by the Lavatorial Shakespeare Company. Already the loos on stage are proving a hit.

During the premiere on Tuesday, many theatre-goers said they enjoyed it. Member of the public Joe Kerr said, "I liked when the ghost of Hamlet's father stopped mid-speech to take a piss. I've never seen a ghost pee before. It was fantastic."

Theatre critic Tarquin Van Itty raved about it. "It was splendid, during Act V when Hamlet sat down on the lav and began his 'Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well' speech with his trousers round his ankles. The realism! The dedication to the craft! I almost wet myself."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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