Highlights from the newly released JFK Files Raise Eyebrows, Possibly Implicate Marilyn Monroe

Funny story written by D. L. Hawkinson

Friday, 27 October 2017

image for Highlights from the newly released JFK Files Raise Eyebrows, Possibly Implicate Marilyn Monroe
What? I won the sharp shooting competition!

As conspiracy theorists are frothing at the mouth to find a smoking gun in the many newly released JFK files, they may be side-tracked by details contained in some of the more obscure documents.

A few of the highlights:

(1) J. Edgar Hoover wore women's undergarments. Most people know of his so-called proclivity and attribute it to a fetish. The fact, however, is that his hemorrhoids were so huge that women's oversized panties were the only thing that could gently cradle the "burden of his nether regions."

Side note: "Burden of Nether Regions" was the title of an FBI dossier, written by a low-level staffer and intended to be leverage against Hoover "should the occasion present itself." That low-level staffer was soon bludgeoned by the husband of his girlfriend. His co-workers wrote off the murder as Karma's a bitch. They attended his funeral nevertheless and, just for fun, signed the register with invisible ink.

(2) Marilyn Monroe was actually pretty good with handguns and Russian hunting rifles. She once said, with her signature wink, "I could pop six politicians from 100 yards--if I wanted to, darling." But she reminded reporters her comments were strictly off the record for the sake of her sexy persona and burgeoning movie career.

Side note: Some investigators speculated that she may have been involved in Kennedy's demise. Such speculation, however, was put to rest when they discovered that she had died several months earlier. After limited debate, they decided the odds of a deceased Marilyn Monroe offing a then-animated JFK were slim at best.

(3) Fidel Castro never really got along well with his little brother Raul. In an expression of typical sibling rivalry, Raul in turn threatened he'd get revenge against his bully of a big brother. Finally he did, taking over Cuba about 70 odd years later--proving yet again the old adage Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Ironic side note: Raul Castro revealed in his memoir My Life in the Shadow of Mr. Big Shot Dictator that he is actually thankful to the U.S. government for trying to knock off Fidel with a spiked cigar. Ever since that incident, Raul has lost the taste for cigars, cigarettes, or pipes; he now attributes his long, healthy life to freshly grown island vegetables and daily bicycle riding.

(4) Lee Harvey Oswald was once found wetting himself in his second grade class. While all his classmates laughed, Oswald cried out, "I'll get even with you all!" In a way, he did--a few decades later. Back then, however, he plotted to throw urine soaked editions of the New York Times at his tormentors. He hated the New York Times even then, citing its lack of funny cartoons.

Unseemly side note: Oswald's teacher changed little Lee Harvey into a girl's dress, which was all she had available. Upon seeing him all dressed up, Oswald's classmates exploded in laughter--despite the teacher's shushing. The trauma caused Oswald to piddle once again in humiliation. It's perhaps this seminal event which led to a life-time of simmering resentment, sexual confusion, and long-term anxiety about incontinence. "He was a creepy little dude," his assigned playmate would comment years later. "He always smelled like week-old urine."

(5) The CIA, known for its high-tech spy tools, apparently lost Oswald's phone number, which had been scrawled on a Hello Kitty notepad. Had the CIA not lost it, one of the agents could have called Oswald's wife, who was willing to spill the beans about everything.

Apparently, she was fed up with Lee Harvey for leaving the toilet seat up.


Editor's note: Though this story was inspired by a note left scratched on a beer can by LeRoy Ephers, he refuses to take credit for it in his ongoing boycott of The Spoof for its exploitation of writers. See his story that pretty much explains it all. To date, he's lost interest in planning a march but would be willing to participate if anyone else would like to take over the planning duties. A few cases of beer would sweeten the deal, Ephers admitted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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