ISIS has announced that hundreds of its suicide bombers will be laid off following a recall of suicide vests by their Iranian manufacturer. The Iranian manufacturer of the vests, Arash Onmabutt Corporation, declined to comment.
ISIS spokesman Mustafa Fuchmikamell explained from his underground bunker in Tal Afar, Syria.
"Arrrrr, a faithful group of the soldiers of the Caliphate have been given notice they will be laid off from their suicide bomber jobs. Our soldiers love wearing their explosive vests to put the Disbeliever Crusader Dogs' noses in the ground. But unfortunately in the last 3 months the vests were rendered useless and failed to explode whenever our sacred holy martyrs walked past any kind of pork product. "
Fuchmikamell went on to explain. "We worship the smell of the Disbelievers' deaths but unfortunately this was overwhelmed in numerous cases by the smell of bacon sandwiches which short-circuited the detonators in the vests. So our Caliphate martyrs have been unable to get their accreditations and rise to enjoy 500 virgins, 100 MILF's, endless baths in donkey milk and a very long holiday in heaven."
"Sadly, due to budgetary constraints, our Great Leader Abu Bakr al-Bigballsadi, cannot keep our sacred martyrs on the payroll if they are unable to vaporise themselves and the Disbeliever Rancid Gerbils in the next thirty days. The Caliphate regrets any inconvenience for our suicide martyrs and the stress that not blowing themselves up will create in their sacred lives. We have arranged outplacement counsellors for those wishing to pursue alternative careers. And for those who prefer to martyr themselves at a later date, to continue the storm, unlimited holidays at a number of luxury Iranian Caspian Sea resorts are available on application".