Is the pen mightier than the sword? Donald J. Trump, newly crowned POTUS, must believe so since he has been using his on a regular basis. Since banning everything from universal health care to mortgage loan assistance to the poor, from retirement account regulations to gutting benefits for senior citizens, Trump has now begun to focus on one more minority group: midgets.
"I just don't like 'em," Trump stated after signing yet another executive order on Thursday. "Look, no one makes a better deal than me, The Don. That's what they call me, The Don, like in the mafia. The Big Guy. I know how to make a deal, am I right? Australia didn't want to make a deal - I hung up. Mexico didn't want to deal, I build a wall. But these midgets, they're a rip off, right? I mean. You're only getting half a person, you know? Right? I go to see a movie and there's a midget in it. Do I get part of my money back? No. That's a bad deal. So I'm telling all midgets with this executive order that they are no longer allowed to give Americans a bad business deal by selling themselves as whole human beings."
The Don, as he likes to be called, was asked if there was any political ambition behind this move. After having the term 'ambition' defined for him, Trump admitted that part of the executive order " stated that since they're only half the size of a real human being, their votes only counts as half a vote. There's no reason half a person should count for a whole vote. That's what screwed me in the popular vote, all those midgets getting a whole vote. I figure I would've won by two, maybe three, million votes - maybe a billion - had a just law like this been in place. See, now an honest guy like me can win an election without cheating like them Democrats."
When asked if there was any personal motivation behind this measure, the POTUS responded that he wasn't sure what 'motivation' meant, but that "he was getting really, I mean really, pissed at everyone calling him orange and an Oompa Loompa, like those little midgets in the movie Willy Wonka. So, if that's what personal motivation means, then yeah."
Finally, Trump was faced with the questioned of whether or not the comments about the size of his hands and the correlation to his penis size had anything to do with this latest order and he declined comment. Resident psychologist emeritus, Sigmund Freud, did comment however, saying, "You know what I always said. The bigger the car, the smaller the wiener. In This case, he has the tallest building in New York City after 9/11, the smallest hands … well, you do the math. I think you know why he hates midgets."