Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis Facing Mandatory Gender Reassignment As Next Step in Rehabilitation

Funny story written by Chris Paxman

Tuesday, 22 September 2015


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RC, Kentucky - Having learned nothing from her stint behind bars, Rowan County clerk Kim Davis is facing more extreme measures to bring her in line with the free-thinking world.

After refusing to issue marriage licenses following a court ruling to make same sex unions legal, Ms Davis spent five days in jail in September 2015. Now back at work, it seems her meddling has not finished and she is now accused of issuing forms where reference to Rowan County and her clerks office has been purposely omitted.

Human Resources at the County office have been heavily involved from the start. ''We'll send her for a refresher on Filling Out Forms 101,'' said her employer, referencing the rigorous training all clerks are given.

''She's already attended an extended Equality and Diversity course. Unfortunately we have it on good authority that she went straight to a bible study group once the course finished, and cleansed herself of any politically correct learning.''

Ms Davis's employer also expressed surprise that incarceration had no effect. ''Imprisonment is a correctional tool we do not have the power to sanction, so of course we were made up went she got sent down. If there's any place in the world that can teach you how sexuality is not quite as straightforward as the bible makes out, then it's got to be prison. Unfortunately I don't think she got the full experience in a County Jail.''

If anything the experience emboldened the clerk's views. Bibles are placed in each cell but often are not used for their intended purpose. ''They get misappropriated as toilet paper when folks get desperate. One night Ms Davis had biscuits and gravy for dinner. Hell, we all had it at the same time. I glanced in her cell and saw the page with Leviticus 18:22 stuffed into her collar as a napkin. It was upside down so she could read as she ate,'' said a local Sheriff's deputy, with a tear in his eye.

But why gender reassignment? The HR spokesperson explained why they have chosen what seems like an odd and cruel punitive measure. ''To be a heterosexual woman in a man's body will be sufficiently confusing for her to gain a new perspective on this, a kind of 'gender straightjacket.' She will still be attracted to men but when it comes to intercourse she will find she can only go down certain avenues, if you'll excuse the pun.''

When the HR team took her into an interview room and suggested gender reassignment, Ms Davis showed her naivety of such issues by saying, ''I don't want to be another woman.''

It seems she will get her wish and instead become a new man. Although her insurance won't cover it, her employer is willing to go all in. Like the teachings found in the bible, it might not be the right answer, but it is at least an answer.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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