HEAVEN--Jesus today, through his lawyers, filed for divorce from Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis. Citing himself (Matthew 7: 1-2), Jesus said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."
On MSNBC's Rachel Maddow Show, Jesus elaborated: "Look: I just can't live with this woman anymore. When she was saved a number of years ago, she was all sweetness and love. But she has, over the years, turned into this bitchy, judgmental shrew whom I just can't countenance anymore. Not to mention that she's cheated on me a number of times over the years with different lovers, including false prophets like Pat Robertson, Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz."
Rachel Maddow asked, however, if Jesus was going against his own word in divorcing Davis, pointing out that he commanded, in Mark 19:9, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Jesus replied, without hesitating: "Dad has met Kim on a number of occasions in the past, and he's not real fond of her. In fact, he counseled me against marrying her in the first place, but I didn't listen to Him, though" (Jesus smiled and shook his head) "He's usually right about these things."