Written by Exotrx

Tuesday, 5 May 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Queen's Park "Pulls Out" of 2015 Sex Ed. Curriculum
Protesters Gather Outside Queen's Park.

Following the surge of parent protests on Monday, May 4th, the Ontario provincial government has rescinded their stance on the newly proposed sexual education curriculum. Newly revised curriculum affects grades 1-12. A summary of the pre-revised curriculum is available here.

Grade 1
Students will learn to identify all body parts excluding genitalia. Students will have a firm understanding of non-sexual body parts (e.g. ears, forearms, nose, chins), but will not be provided correct terminology of sexual body parts until grade 12 (e.g. penis, vagina, breasts, buttox, anus, hips, thighs, mouth, tongue, throat, and hands). Instead, students will be provided with numerous idiomatic means to allude to these bodily features (e.g. wee wee, tinkler, bum, girl parts, boy parts).

Grade 2
The concept "no means no" will be discussed and girls will be taught to never leave the house without the company of an older male family member.

Grade 3
All discussion of same-sex relationship will be prefixed by "In San Francisco", for example: "In San Francisco, its ok for one man to fall in love and marry another man."

Grade 4
All mention of puberty, including physical, social and emotional aspects, will be delayed until grade 12 and restructured as a puberty "post-mortem".

Grade 5
Without explicitly mentioning the word "Menstruation", or describing the physiological process, girls will be warned that they may soon bleed from their "girl parts", at which point they are to immediately report to their parents. Likewise, boys will be warned that they will wake up with damp pyjamas, at which time, they are to do the same. Questions are not to be addressed.

Grade 6
In order to be respectful of all cultures, teachers will inform the class that many individuals (but not everyone) are permitted to pleasure themselves. Students must first request permission and instructions from their parents, to ensure that masterbation is available in their religion/culture.

Grade 7
The notion of abstinence will be heavily reinforced in all aspects of sexual health. Students will come to the understanding that altogether avoiding cellular telephones and the internet is the only effective countermeasure to protect against the dangers of sexting and online predators. Students will be informed that all forms of contraceptives are flawed and that STI's and pregnancy are inevitable upon intercourse.

Grade 8
By this age, it is quite likely that students have searched the internet for sexual content. However, students at this age are not yet ready to understand concepts of anal and oral sex. Therefore, in order to delay these discussions until grade 12, students will be taught that oral and anal sex are generated by CGI.

Grade 9
Research has indicated that most students decide their gender identity and sexual orientation in high school. Therefore, the Ontario Ministry of Education has deemed grade 9 a pivotal year in sexual education, and focuses their curriculum towards understanding the factors that may impact such decisions. Students will be tasked with a special inquiry-based research project in which they are tasked to map which gender identities or sexual orientation are tolerated by their own religions, cultures, families, and social circles. Should students still opt for alternative gender identities or sexual orientations, guidance counselors will direct students to appropriate resources, warning them of the associated social stigmas, career barriers, and lower chances of finding compatible mates.

Grade 10
In grade 10, students will be given an egg to pretend it's a baby.

Grade 11
Grade 11 curriculum will focus on how to use basic questioning skills to create healthy relationships. Students will be tasked with a second, special inquiry-based research project in which they are to interview their own families to outline the specification for their future partners. At this stage, students will learn the range of tolerable ethnicities and cultures for their future mates, as well as potential occupations and minimum baseline salaries.

Grade 12
At the very end of their school year (following prom), students will finally have the opportunity to relieve their built-up questions on sexual education. In one short session, all of their questions will be answered until fully satisfied. This session will be carried out as a paired project, where students will share what they have learned thus far, and such that students can subsequently evaluate each other on their performance. This session will be the true test of the student's overall aptitude for matters related to sexual health. Failing this test may result in serious health consequences and may severely impede the students' post secondary endeavours.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Sex Education

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
52 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more