Written by Auntie Matter

Friday, 20 March 2015

image for Ex-Pope Ratzinger Doing Well After Exorcism
One of Ratzinger's Demons...Whereabouts Unknown.

Ex-Pope Ratzinger is recuperating well after an emergency exorcism was performed on him. Eight exorcists, three of them Cardinals from Africa, Germany and Ireland spent seven weeks, seven hours and seven minutes casting out demons from the ex-Pontiff.

Although not at liberty to discuss the matter contributing exorcist Cardinal Patrick Mary O'Shea, on being questioned, reported:

"Well, me Latin is not dat good but bejaysus there was a lot of hoorin' demons in dat oul fella; and I have to say that most of dem spoke with an American accent. They wanted a lot of money for unfair eviction, so to speak; and even threatened us, in perfect Oxford accents, with legal action. They weren't happy with my suggestion that they take over a herd of Irish Sinn Fein politicians,... complaining of probable overcrowding. I told dem in Latin that they had a point. We eventually managed to bribe dem off with a few signed photos of der leader Barack Obama. But Ratzinger is okay; kept asking for young nuns to give him a massage and books to burn and stuff like dat... but, he is back to his old self; fit enough, I'd say, hand on me heart, to go goose-steppin' around the Colosseum wearin' an apron and wavin' like the Queen of England to mad people on Lambretta scooters. So far as we know, der is just him in der now, in de body. Nuthin' der, praise de Lord, dat a few Camparis and a visit to his favourite Masonic Lodge can't cure. We suggested he go to Lourdes but he doesn't believe in dat sheepleshit. He likes to be among his enlightened brothers because they always give him free spaghetti and, did I tell you that Sir Christopher Wren designed and personally supervised the building of dat lodge? It means a helluva lot,... if you will forgive me."

The only invited visitor the ex-Pope received during his convalescence was Vladimir Putin who spent several days with his old friend. Putin, visibly shocked at the sight of his old buddy looking like an Alpha Male Wolf that hadn't eaten anything for three weeks but two sardines, responded well to sedatives. His impromptu absence raised quite a few eyebrows back home, two of them belonging to the late departed Leonid Breznev who, as the world knows, received the Lenin International Eyebrows Award of 1981 shortly before he met with an untimely death when his outgrowths unfortunately got caught in a revolving door causing a broken neck from which he later died. A neck implant flown in from Syria proved ineffective. His eyebrows have been preserved for the nation and are resting in the Kremlin.

As he is privileged to diplomatic immunity there are real fears that Putin may have imported the Papal Demons into Russia for use in quelling the Ukraine uprising. Customs Security observed that he arrived with one briefcase but left with two.

Ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair later paid an unexpected visit with his wife Cherie an acknowledged demonologist and literary mentor of celebrated plagiarist J.K. Rowling. He was alarmed he said, "to see somebody who wasn't Cherie chained to a four poster."

Cherie incidentally had been commissioned by the European Parliament to redesign their clubhouse called Bohemian Grove California. She and her husband are frequent visitors. They go there annually to advise George W. Bush on his golf swing. "The Grove is crying out for pink," she declared.

George W. Bush sent a get-well card, reminding his old buddy that terrorists are everywhere,... as agreed. And that his old man was "full of them and has a few spares he keeps in his golfing bag to help him write his memoirs. After a few drinks last night I accidentally tripped over one as I was preparing to practise my golf swing in the dark."

Pope Francis meanwhile has called an emergency meeting with Henry Kissinger to discuss the matter at Bohemian Grove, California before it is redecorated. Kissinger's accent is the only one demons can actually understand as he speaks fluent demonese. He is known to have tutored chat host Larry King and is responsible for many political speeches, has inspired many books on evolutionary theory concerned with turning men into robots, and numerous television adverts for hearing aids. The skill he teaches is to convince everybody including oneself of the 'truth' of what one is saying although it be complete lies. Exemplars get nominated for the Ronald Reagan Sincerity Award.

The real whereabouts of Ratzinger's demons remains a mystery although rumours are rife that they may have gone to join their many friends in the European Parliament where they are assured of a warm, 'democratic' welcome, thanks to the World Bank.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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