Los Angeles - Official: all traces of Martian DNA have been expunged from the royal genome after film star Helen Mirren blew the gaff on Queen Elizardbirth's alien origins.
Mirren, who famously played Queenie in an instantly forgettable Hollywood turkey a couple of years ago, spilled the beans to an LA audience about the royal's Cretinaceous Era genes last Tuesday.
The remarks were picked up by Buckingham Palace in London which immediately cancelled the actress' season ticket to the royal mausoleum - a notorious pick-up joint for the over-60s and cottaging chums of Prince Philip.
This weekend courtiers are confident that, having purchased blocks of shares in every single DNA testing laboratory in the European Union, the Queen reckons she could easily pass any bloodclot - uh, blood test! - with frying colors.
The small matter of her three bigamous marriages to notable Piss Process aliens remain tricky.
However Martian-human hybrids George Bush Senior (husband No 1) has been paid off handsomely, No 2 Joseph Ratzinger is partially brain-dead with Alzheimers and ex--King Abdullah of Saufi Arabia kicked the bucket weeks ago.
Nothing that could possibly go wrong with the Alien Succession WILL go wrong, Ms Mirren.
The Duke of Pratts Bottom is 69.