New York Times nominated as State Department's official representative on Ukraine and elsewhere

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Sunday, 4 May 2014

image for New York Times nominated as State Department's official representative on Ukraine and elsewhere
News that does not fit properly will be replaced with blank space.

Vice President Joe Biden's office has confirmed that The New York Times has now been given official status as a spokesperson for US government interests, supplementing the role of White House spokesperson Jay Carney.

According to a member of Mr. Biden's staff, the Times will continue to report all the news favorable to US government interests plus filter any unfavorable developments properly, so as not to alarm the public.

This development gives new resonance to the Times motto: "All the news that's fit to print."

This newspaper has been protecting the public for some time, as with its support of the bogus WMD claims leading to the war in Iraq.

Recently it supported the sarin gas story blaming Assad, although that too has been found erroneous.

An anonymous representative from the Times has answered to these errors by explaining that in these perilous times public perception of US government strategies is more important than veracity in reporting news developments.

Currently, for example, the Times is avoiding any notion that a "mob" set fire to a building housing unarmed protesters in Ukraine.

Instead, the conflict is washed with resonances pitting Kiev supporters for Ukrainian "unity" against "pro-Russia" activists.

Meanwhile, those working for the unity were responsible for killing 40 in the building with their gasoline bombs.

Again (sighing) the Times representative points out that irony is not the role of a newspaper committed to reporting facts in the proper manner. This means that the information should be laid out in such a way as not to alarm readers on official government views of a particular situation.

Deeply submerged official interests must be kept deep enough to be unnoticeable while surface conflict is portrayed in supportive (and/or) unclear language.

Mr. Carney's office has added to this perspective by indicating the Times' approach is similar to that of the White House spokesperson.

The spokesperson must muster a plethora of excuses to blunt, defray, or reverse any criticisms, no matter how solid the criticism may happen to be. Tone must be serious, confident, overbearing.

Any depth or background perspective, such as, in the case of Ukraine, the role of the State Department in replacing President Yanukovich with US-friendly Arseniy "Yats" Yatsenyuk, should be ignored or obfuscated.

Relationships with NATO forces to further encircle Russia and work to displace the leadership there toward more favorable government for the West should also be kept in a dark place as long as possible.

Again, according to the Times representative (who insisted on anonymity and indicated interest in changing careers to the war investment industries), any business that intends to thrive must consider audience as a first prerogative over what used to be called "objective reporting."

That was long ago, he said, and the times have moved on. "News" nowadays has evolved to "interpretations." And "facts" must first be examined very carefully for any hidden ill-effects.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more