Presidential Debate Part Two - The Bar Brawl

Funny story written by Simon Saunders

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

image for Presidential Debate Part Two - The Bar Brawl
The local medical facility where both candidates were treated for their multiple injuries

Last night the second presidential debate took place at Hofstra University, Hempstead, New York.

It didn't turn out as expected.

Gone were the typical boring questions about the stagnating economy, failing foreign policy and tedious domestic issues.

Instead, the nation witnessed the most exciting debate in the history of debates as the two candidates turned on each other in a most violent manner.

The two candidates bounced on stage like a couple of disturbed boxers, throwing punches at imaginary figures before taking their positions and waiting for the first question.

The first audience member was barely able to get their question out when Governor Romney was heard taunting President Obama with the words "liar, liar, pants on fire." A clear reference to the Obama administrations muddled response to the terrorist attack on the US diplomatic mission in Benghazi, Libya.

President Obama instantly became visibly annoyed at Romney's accusation. He sprung out of his chair to his feet, ran across the stage and jammed his microphone down Romney's throat and wailed "feel the pain, Mr Bain."

Romney responded with several swift blows to Obama's genital region before coughing up the microphone, tidying his hair then grappling with the president in an attempt to get him in a headlock. Once he had Obama in a headlock he proceeded to rub his knuckles into the top of Obama's head telling him, "You like that? You like that Mr. President?"

The two candidates were, by this point, breathless and dishevelled as the moderator, CNN's Candy Crowley, attempted to restore the peace and allow the candidates to compose themselves before returning to the debate.

Unfortunately the audience had by now erupted into violence as well. Chairs were being thrown about and a number of fights had broken out. Crowley, who was hiding behind her lecturn by this stage, emerged and tried to calm the situation but she was grabbed around the throat by a female audience member who told her she was a "fat liberal cow" before pulling her hair, punching her in the boob and tweaking her nipples then running off.

Crowley straightened her hair and then turned to the two candidates to declare, "Fuck it. Just go for it. Kick the shit out of each other. That's what people want to see. Not a load of dull questions that you won't answer anyway. Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Romney's running mate, Congessman Paul Ryan, who was watching backstage, decided this was an opportunity for him to wander onto the stage to annouce that he had finally managed to make his economic figures add up. "I've done it!" said Ryan. "They said it couldn't be done. Haha! My figures do add up. Honest." An audience member challenged Ryan to explain his figures in full. Ryan told him, "I can't. It's a secret." He then wandered back off stage.

It appeared that the two candidates were going to shake hands and call a truce despite the moderator telling them to fight it out. Romney, hair intact, strode across the stage with his arm outstretched as if he wanted to shake Obama's hand but he sneakily used his close proximity to the President to deliver a powerful headbutt. Reeling and clutching his bloodied nose, President Obama shouted, "You bitch!", and spat directly into Romney's left eye.

An incensed Romney once again managed to get Obama into a headlock while shrieking, "Where's your birth certificate huh? Where is it? Show me or i'll shit in your shoes."

Another surprise interruption saw Vice-President Biden emerge from behind the stage where he had been watching with his opponent Paul Ryan. Probably thinking he couldn't allow Ryan to steal his thunder, he staggered across the stage laughing manically and sporting a shiny new knuckle duster. He took a swing at an unsuspecting Romney, who still had Obama in a headlock, missed completely and stumbled off the stage face first into a middle aged womans lap before lifting his head to ask, "Does anyone have any bourbon?"

The two candidates were exhausted by this point and had no fight left in them.

The debate was over.

The two men hugged, sportingly handed each other their teeth back, before hobbling off stage together with their faces and bodies bloodied and battered and preparing themselves to be berated by their disgusted waiting wives.

Both men were ushered onto awaiting gurneys and whisked away to a nearby medical facility to have their injuries evaluated. We believe Romney has suffered third-degree carpet burns to his knees and Obama will undergo surgery to repair his broken ego.

Afterwards, local police said that around half of the 80 strong audience were now in hospital with various injuries. One man was hospitalized requiring surgery to remove a chair leg from his ass. Several arrests were made as well.

We understand that the third and final debate at Lynn University, Boca Raton, Florida, will still go ahead as planned although organisers will now have to install a ramp at the side of the stage so the two candidates can be pushed on in their wheelchairs.

Meanwhile, WWE chiefs have announced plans to offer a contract to whoever loses the election. A WWE spokesman told us they had already thought of names for the two candidates. Mitt Romney would be known as 'Mr Bain-The Mexican Mauler' while Obama would be called 'The Kenyan Colossus.'

We reckon they'd both be suited to a life in wrestling as most of what they say is scripted and you probably shouldn't believe a word of it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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