US Gun Laws Not To Be Toughened

Written by Sidney Bollocks

Sunday, 22 July 2012

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"Bless you my child, have a couple of these."

Following another tragic mass shooting in the US, in which twelve people died and a further fifty or so were injured, there have, again, been calls for a tightening of gun control laws. Public sentiment is running high and people are asking how many more innocents must die, before the government finally sees sense.

The Whitehouse has been unusually silent on the matter, with no clear statement regarding current gun controls. However, a Whitehouse staffer did tell us, "This is a delicate matter for the government. It's a little known fact that the NRA owns the Whitehouse and we lease it from them on very preferential terms. We can't just go pissing them off, or we'll be out on the street."

An NRA spokesman, Buck Heckler-Koch, told us, "Our right to bear arms is enshrined in the constitution. That will never change. Few people have an issue with the ownership of rifles and pistols, but there are those who have difficulty with the concept of owning semi-auto and automatic weapons. Admittedly, these were designed with a purely military purpose in mind and are intended to kill vast numbers of people in as short a space of time as possible. There is also the issue of armour piercing rounds being available over the counter at Walmart. But, let me tell you, when you go out hunting, there are some deer and moose out there with hides like a SWAT guy's vest. An AR-15 and armour piercing rounds are just what you need."

In an effort to reach out to more people, the NRA has struck a deal with various churches in the US, which will see children being gifted a semi-automatic, pump action shotgun at their first communion.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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