Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 29 August 2011

image for The Real Reason Sarah Palin Does Not Want To Announce She Is Running For President
Ling Chow Rangoon, a reporter for iRumors. (Photo courtesy of Ashton Kutcher).

INDIANOLA, Iowa - Sarah Palin's One Nation Bus Tour seems to be going round and round in circles.

In fact, Ling Chow Rangoon with iRumors said that if she did not know any better she would swear that nine-year-old Piper Palin is driving the tour bus.

Rangoon, who is not noted for her subtlety, caught up with Palin at a Burger Bandit parking lot in Indianola, Iowa, and asked her point blank why she has not announced whether she is going to be entering the GOP presidential primaries or not.

Palin immediately replied that she had never seen (Rangoon) before and asked to see some identification and at least two valid credit cards.

Rangoon took out her California drivers license, a VISA credit card and a Kentucky Fried Chicken credit card and showed them to Palin who smiled and asked if Rangoon was a Chinese name.

Ling Chow looked her in the face and replied that it was and asked her if her nicknames "Snowflake," "Crosshairs," "Snow Plow," "The Loose Moose," and "Snowballs" were American or North Korean names.

Palin told her to stop with the attitude. Rangoon told her to stop with the male testosterone. She then asked her why she has not yet announced that she is running for president when she knows full well that she wants the job just about as much as she wants to shoot every friggin moose, caribou, and reindeer in Alaska.

The former Alaskan governor said that she has never said that she wants to shoot every moose, caribou, and reindeer in Alaska but just enough to feed her family.

Rangoon rolled her eyes and replied, "Well tell me 'Shotgun' Sarah, why the hell don't you just buy food for your family from the freakin grocery store like everyone else does?"

Palin turned pale. Her face went as white as Nicole Kidman's. She started to speak but stopped. She slowly and softly counted to ten.

Just then Piper ran out of the tour bus and asked her mom if she could have $10 so that she could go to the convenience store and buy two five dollar scratch of lottery tickets.

Palin was so flustered that she gave Piper a twenty dollar bill and told her to buy the lottery tickets and to bring her back a beer.

Piper got a tremendously puzzled look on her face and said, "But mommy, you know that they won't sell beer to little kids. Can I buy some Cheetos, Hostess Twinkies, M&Ms, and cigarette lighter instead?"

Sarah grabbed Piper's hand and told Ling Chow Rangoon that the interview was over and she had to go to the store with Piper.

Just as Palin was leaving Miss Rangoon hollered out that she knows exactly why she does not want to announce that she is running for president.

Palin stopped in her tracks, turned around and asked, "And why is that?"

Rangoon grinned and remarked, "Because once you get into the GOP presidential race you are going to have to start debating the other Republican candidates and you may kick Michele "Hair Spray" Bachmann's butt and Newt "The Pillsbury Doughboy" Gingrich's butt but you know that Rick Perry will kick your jock-strap wearing crotch all the way back to Wasilla, Alaska."

Palin took off running toward the store and she could be heard screaming that she hates Democrats.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Ling Chow Rangoon never told Palin she was a Democrat. She just doesn't like political divas.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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