Reviled London Buses 'hothouses its passengers' as furious OAP blasts transport network

Funny story written by queen mudder

Thursday, 25 August 2011

image for Reviled London Buses 'hothouses its passengers' as furious OAP blasts transport network
WTF 'urine-scented upholstery shampoo an organic solution to buses' head-lice problem'?

London - Retired London mortician Miss Constance Burlap - a veteran of the No 19 route from Sadler's Wells to Cheyne Walk since the year dot - has spoken of her dismay at being kicked off mid-journey following a top deck fracas last week.

"I was told to ger-orf for complaining that the bus's radiator is permanently switched on in Summer," Burlap told the Highbury & Islington Weekend Advertiser, "even when it's a sweltering 20 degrees outside."

Seventy-something Banks is now threatening to sue for cruel and unusual treatment 'for pointing out the bleeding obvious' - having been forced to use the double decker's upstairs seating because of 'reckless' overcrowding by pram-toting teenage mothers in the downstairs standing room-only area.

Her pensioner's bus pass has also been slapped with a 6-point endorsement which threatens automatic disqualification in the event of any new commuting infringement.

"They've violated me human frights and scapegoated me in public," Burlap continued, "without so much as a ticket refund or 'Sorry We Screwed Up' letter of apology."

She related to reporters how last Friday the only available upstairs seat was located slap bang over an onboard heater - notorious for recycling freezing traffic fumes in winter and 40 degrees centigrade bus engine heat from May through to the end of September.

Her request to the driver 'to do something about the hothouse conditions' was met with scorn as bad-tempered passengers began shouting about delays to their already hellish cross-London trek.

"And that when they threw me orf," Burlap sobbed, "despite having shown the driver my War Widows pension book and MBE gong from the Queen."

A spokesperson for the transport company has vehemently denied liability despite offering no explanation for the bus radiator's searing heat.

Earlier this year commuters had complained that all London buses are filthy - inside and out - and that a failure to fumigate on a daily basis has resulted in myriad head lice infections for an estimated two million London Buses passengers since March.

"And another thing," furious Burlap added, "why do they use urine-scented upholstery shampoo for the No 19's annual internal brush-up and clean?

"Someone's taking the piss, I reckon!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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