Today my blood thirsty sons of the desert, I'm extremely excited to air this rare opportunity for you to feel part of our holy jihad. You may have sweet revenge for the invasion of our peaceful land and the humiliation of our loving president Hussain. If Mohammed were alive today he would stand right here by me and tell you to give to our sacred cause. Even though you cannot be a glorious suicide bomber assured of paradise, you can give, yes you too can buy your place in paradise. For only a small contribution such as a goat you can own, yes own a piece of a rock well scented with the blood of either a Christian or a Jew. Imagine your choice, for only one small goat, you can have of either of these fine gifts to place in your tent. We have labored long and hard while deligently practicing our ancient commandment, an eye for an eye, a nose for a nose and toes for some toes. For you who give a donkey you will receive in additional bonus, a symbol of our struggle, the treasured glass eye inscribed with either a Christian cross or a Jewish star, again your personal choice. You decide who you hate the most. While meditating and evilly cursing your glass eye, please ignore the label saying made in China, And get this, if you give a fine camel you will receive the greatest bonus, a actual piece of flesh from our infidel enemies. Some of these precious gifts still contain the pieces of bones, proof the effectiveness of our brothers and sisters while blowing them selves up. We cannot give you a choice in this prize for we cannot tell whether Christian or Jew since we blow them all up together. Don't be discouraged by this lack of choice for if you will send your livestock today we will enclose a role of toilet paper with alternating pictures of George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Scumsfield along with a framed picture of Osama Ben Laden. Can you beat an offer like this? However, you must hurry for you may not have much time. Don't miss out on this opportunity. Send your gift today to Jihad jokes, box 0000006, Bagdad, Iraq. Hurry, we hear the sound of gunfire.
A LONG SILENCE
Good day all you lucky citizens of Bagdad, this is the voice of American liberation. The insurgents who we found using this radio station are all now in Abu grib prison being hosted by our most cruel and lustful interrogators and their vicious dogs. Today we want to bring you a special message from Nebuchadnezzar, I mean our president George Bush. Here it is:
"Dear Arab friends, I greet you from the Whitehouse in the United States. First I want to say how much I love Muslims, that's what the say you are, all Muslims, whatever that is. I call on you now to turn in all your children, friends and neighbors, all those insurgents which recently opposed our loving army invading your country. We love you all, but we must insist that you kowtow to our needs, your oil. When we get all our folks into your government we will leave your nation in peace. Now isn't that fair? Don't pay any attention to those that spread the rumors that we have totally destroyed Fallujah and killed everyone our troops found there. It is not true. They didn't fire a single shot. All those residents merely committed suicide spraying themselves with phosphorus and napalm. And those rumors that we abused prisoners in Abu grib was all a left wing conspiracy to make me look bad. Those prisoners overdosed on viagra and just wanted to get naked for a daisy pile. And the vicious dog you saw in the photograph was actually defending himself against a bestial attack from the prisoner in the the picture. We are you friends and you can trust us. Please give up your resistance, your making me look bad."
That was a fine speech from our beloved president George Bush. Now a voice from our sponsor.
"What can be greater than to give your life for you country. Join the Iraqi national defense force. Be a part of a growing number of men who feel the necessity to feed their family.. There is are many openings especially for the MOS called cannon fodder. Be brave, be ready to betray your countrymen and kill your neighbors. What greater calling is there than that of quisling. Quisling is a french word from world war II for those that work with foreign invaders. However we are not your invaders, we are liberators and promoters of freedom. Your free to do as we say. Join the army today where you can enjoy all the oranges you can eat.
Now we will have a message from Halliburton. Opps, I hear the sound of gun fire...
A long silence.
Today my blood thirsty sons of the desert. Today my blood thirsty Arab comrades I'm extremely excited to bring you this rare opportunity to feel a part of our holy jihad. You may have sweet revenge for the invasion of our peaceful land and the humiliation of our loving president Hussain. If Mohammed were alive today he would stand right here by me and tell you to get involved in our sacred cause. Opps, I hear gunfire...