ESPN Formally Apologizes to Utopiafootball

Funny story written by The Miami Herald

Wednesday, 23 June 2004

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"Dan Patrick is an asshat!"

Several months ago on his ESPN Radio show Sportscenter Anchor Dan Patrick proclaimed that McPherson College could make a claim for the Sugar Bowl on a list comprised of who beat who during the 2003 College Football season. Patrick made reference to this story several times and it became the talk of the campus at this small Kansas school.

At the time Patrick made no reference to where the article came from and even posted it on Now, several months later ESPN has finally issued a formal apology to the authors of this list and has suspended Patrick for 3 weeks for his utter lack of journalistic integrity.

The source of this list comes from Utopia Football. It is believed to be authored by Utopian members Scoo8b and bighusker. Throughout the season they demonstrated an unbridled passion for college football, closely following the season of McPherson College, as well as NCCAA member Trinity Bible College. Their profound interest in McPherson College stems from former 5 star OL Recruit Matt Maxwell. Maxwell spurned such schools as Nebraska, Miami, Alabama, USC, and Florida State to attend the small Kansas college. Many experts believe that had he signed with the Nebraska Cornhuskers, to whom which he was a strong verbal commitment, that RB David Horne would have shattered every NCAA rushing record.

Today, ESPN offered jobs to bighusker and Scoo8b as executive producers of Sportscenter. They were however rebuffed on their offer. Bighusker had this to say in turning down the multi-million dollar deal: "Dan Patrick is an asshat!"

Utopian Members around the world can now rejoice in ESPN finally issuing the apology that was due months ago.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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