Texas Death Row Inmate Uses Intelligent Design to Escape

Funny story written by wadenelson

Sunday, 6 November 2005

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Born Again to Live Free by Christ

HOUSTON - Charlie Thompson, a death row inmate who walked out of the Harris County Jail and is now the subject of a nationwide manhunt claims he used "Intelligent Design" to plan and execute his escape. Placing a call to talk radio show host William O'Reilly last evening, Thompson described how he came up with his "Intelligent Design" for escape.

Thompson: "The government and the churches have all been pushing this "Intelligent Design" thing pretty hard. I asked myself, "What if there's actually something to what they're saying? After all Moses and King David were both murderers, just like me. But God loved them and forgived them just the same, and they didn't spend the rest of THEIR lives rotting in jail. So I'se start thinkin', how would I escape if I was intelligent, which I'm not especially. And one night in a dream I had a vision from the Bible -- where Peter is locked up in jail, and suddenly all the gates swing open for him and the guards all act like they're asleep or something. And in my dream, suddenly I could see, Peter was holding out a fake ID that said in Greek, "Centurion!" And I can't even read Greek! It was like I was reading in tongues!

Thompson reportedly took a prisoner's ID tag and put a piece of white tape over the part which said "Prisoner," wrote in "Centurion" using a Sharpie, (like he admits, he's not too bright) and proceeded to walk past four Harris County deputies, all of whom acted like they were asleep or something. In his interview, Thompson commented, "There really IS something to this Intelligent Design! Last night I had a dream about hiding out in a cave, like one of the prophets did when people were out to get him. Today I realized, "Eric Roberts!" so I gave him a call at Joilet and asked him for some tips on hiding out. God is good, no, really GREAT!

Fundamentalists calling into O'Reilly's program were all shocked, but had to admit that "In the eyes of the Lord, if Thompson has accepted Jesus death as atonement for his sins, then his visions may indeed be from God -- to help strengthen the current arguments for Intelligent Design. Aethists calling into O'Reilly's program all had just about the same comment: "That's just STUPID!"

With a $10,000 bounty on his head, Thompson would probably be pretty easy to recognize if he ventured out in public, as you don't see too many people walking around with a two-foot high stack of $20 bills on top of their heads. Even so, the US Marshalls have refused to call back Tommy Lee Jones, even after catching Richard Kimball, and tremendously helping out Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy.

Thompson was convicted in 1999 for the shooting deaths of his ex-girlfriend, Denise Cheater, 39, of Tomball, and her new lay, Darryl Viagra, 30, of nearby Springbrook Texas.

Working night after night in the prison library to come up with ANY excuse for a re-trial or appeal, Thompson once again came up with an "Intelligent Design" to get his butt out of the prison and into a county lockup with dumb as dirt county jail guards. "I may not be so bright, said Thompson, but the people who join law enforcement aren't always a whole light brighter. Usually they're control freaks, especially the women cops. You won't find a lot of Intelligent Designers among them -- since God is about forgiveness and redemption, not incarceration and damnation. Unless, of course, you're Catholic."

Thompson's "Intelligent design for escape" included waving his fake ID badge and mumbling that he worked for the Texas Attorney General's office as he passed at least four deputies, types who are invariably impressed by ties, cufflinks, and short haircuts. Thompson hotfooted it into the jail's visitor's lobby and from there walked out of the building and into the street, saying to himself, "Free At Last, Free At Last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last -- and that cheatin' girlfriend of mine is still dead as nails. Sorry about that God!"

Prosecutors accused Thompson of trying to hire hit men to kill witnesses against him as well as members of his ex-girlfriend's family. "But those days are behind me now, claimed Thompson during the broadcast. I'm gonna live right, get right with god, get me a design job. Intelilgent Design."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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