Stuntman/Daredevil's Past Catches Up To Him

Funny story written by Cliffhanger

Wednesday, 5 October 2005

image for Stuntman/Daredevil's Past Catches Up To Him
Jack "Jackie" Bibby appears here regurgitating the cause of his 8-hour painful ordeal.

Whiskey Flats, Texas - USA - The infamous Jack "Jackie" Bibby, known for his many stunts involving rattlesnakes and the like, is recovering in a Whiskey Flats hospital after his lifelong "hobby" caught up with him.
Bibby is in the Guinness Book of World Records for stunts such as sitting in a tub with 81 of Texas-native diamond back rattlesnakes. He can be seen wearing live rattlers as hats, kissing them on the head and many other death-defying acts of bravery. "More like acts of sheer stupidity, if'n ya ask me," commented Mortimer Jenkins, a long-time native of Whiskey Flats.
"I think he took our lovely town's name a little too close to heart, " remarked the head nurse on shift when Bibby was rushed in via horse-drawn ambulance, writhing in pain and grasping his abdomen.
Doctor's rushed him to the x-ray room where they were astonished at what the pictures revealed. A mass about 3 times bigger than a basketball was sitting in his stomach. He was immediately sent to the operating room as doctors scurried to get their gear on and save this man's life.
Just as they were about to cut off his clothing and get to the mass that was festering in his stomach, Mr. Bibby started to moan and groan louder than before. A very distinct gurgling sound emitted from his throat. Bibby, who had been playing with snakes since he could move, started convulsing and, seemingly involuntarily, arched his back and head off of the operating table in several violent spurts. He then started to gag. His face turned blood red as one more convulsion shot him upright into the sitting position. Doctors watched while slowly backing up, as Jackie struggled for air. "He's gonna HURL!!!!" one of the doctors shouted.
The staff slammed into each other trying to get out of Mr. Bibby's "line of fire", as the now-expected projectile expulsion of the huge mass was apparently growing closer. "Get him outside!! The floors were just mopped!!" shouted the custodian.
Three doctors mustered the courage to push Bibby to his feet and down the hall toward the exits. Just as they pushed for all they were worth, sending Bibby out of the doors at warp 3, he stopped dead in his tracks. His back then formed an "S" shape as the spasms of fate took their last stand.
The astounded staff of the hospital poured out to witness what was sure to be a once-in-a-lifetime sight. One quick-thinking intern grabbed his camera. While the intern was fumbling with the lens cap and the shutter speed, Jack Bibby started release the mass. "Oh my God!! He's giving birth to an octopus....and through his MOUTH no less!!" a nurse yelled as she watched her colleagues faint.
What appeared to be tentacles started protruding from Bibby's mouth. Slowly, but surely, the tentacles revealed themselves to be nothing of the sort. It was snakes. Nine snakes to be exact. Nine diamondback rattlesnakes were coming out of a man's mouth.
The intern, who had finally gotten his camera ready, caught the spectacle (above) just before the wriggling clutch of snakes hit the ground. Bibby hit the ground "like a bag of rocks," described the only staff member still standing.
Jack was out cold for about two minutes when he finally gasped loudly with his first inhalation in what seemed like an eternity. His color slowly started to return to normal as the intern and a nurse rushed back from getting a stretcher. They carried him back inside and got him on oxygen immediately.
Investigators are still trying to figure out how this came to be, but hesitantly hypothesized that the snakes must have entered him either orally or via his rectum. Furthermore, they assume that the fact that he was wearing dark clothing on this very hot day, somehow sped up an apparent incubation taking place in the far reaches of his body. The matter is being studied further.
Mr. Jack "Jackie" Bibby is now almost 100% recovered and is scheduled for plastic surgery to correct his over-stretched lips.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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