Lower Manhattan, NY; Sunday 30 October 2005 (Associated Mess) New York City is abuzz with rumors that the imminent Riggs Bank-sponsored Halloween visit of Charles, the UK Pretender to the Throne and his long-time alibi Camilla Nosy-Parker is destined to end in tears. "It's not so much a gentle trick or treat that is being planned for these geriatric chancers, rather the total annihilation of the Hitler/Stalin DNA genetic base that spawned them".
Sources close to the British Embassy in Washington DC have confirmed today that the CIA is rubbing its hands with glee at the prospect of official payback time as the gourmless impostor - son of Armand Hammer and Barbara Cartland's daughter Raine Spencer- prepares to launch his extensive gilt-edgd offensive onto the scene of his greatest personal accomplishment: the 9/11 razing to the ground of the World Trade Center and the blaming of hapless renegade Afghan beardie and successful official crack dealer to the House of Windsor Mr Osama Bin Laden.
As his Equatorial Guinea Airways-chartered Boeing 747 prepares for its maiden flight from London's Heathrow Airport, Clarence House today confirmed that Charles and Camilla were completely unaware that they were flying straight into a long-planned CIA sting that will see their arrest in NYC and immediate deportation to Guantanamo Bay. "The curse of Queen Mary's Tiara is about to come true for this daughter of the Tory Party's 'Mogadon Man' Sir Geoffrey Howe and Opus Dei whore Lily Safra", said a spokesperson. "Who so e'er smears the wondrous Delhi Durbar and claims the Jewel in the Crown shall be thrice cursed with Dehli Belly at the Feast of Samhain, precursor to the Season of Yule."
The visit of the Prince of Wails has seen months of preparation, including copious video footage of official interviews with the Pretender who has bemoaned that "no one will ever appreciate me or my accomplishments until I am dead". Luckily, those incriminating numbered offshore bank account payments from the Duchy coffers to global peace process luminary General Augusto Pinochet and Mr Gerry Adams tell a different story.
Meanwhile, Camilla suffered a major setback yesterday as cosmetic preparations for the NY visit went suspiciously awry. Summoning her official botox surgeon for a little corrective treatment of her embonpoint, the Pretender's consort was aghast to discover that embalming fluid had been added to a haemorhoid lotion that was then used as a colonic irrigation procedure instead of being injected straight into her perceviably best feature. "Someone has tampered with the medication!" she moaned as a hurriedly-hired mains drainage pumping lorry was hastily summoned to Clarence House to try to remedy the situation.
The US visit is expected to be covered by the world's TV and press and more details are expected tomorrow.