Long Island killings associated to the Mafia

Funny story written by Kid Icarus

Tuesday, 10 May 2011


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Long Island killings associated to the Mafia

In a letter sent to the Suffolk County police department a member of the Mafia named Luciano Bagarella claims that the Mafia killed and dumped the bodies of four women near Cedar Beach on Long Island to send the New York police department a clear message.

The first set of newly discovered remains include the head, hands and forearms of a woman identified as Jessica Taylor. More body parts, a head, hands and a right foot were found slightly farther east along the stretch of beach.

In the message Bagarella warns the New York police department that there will be more women who will disapear if the police and prosecutors don't back away from the Mafia. Bagarella tells police that the Mafia won't dump bodies on the side of a roadway anymore because the original four women were thrown there as an example to the police of what the Mafia is capable of doing if police continue to investigate the Mafia.

In detail, Bagarella's message shows police how the Mafia will dispose of the bodies to get rid of evidence. The message explains that the bodies will be placed in a bath tub and the hair will be tied together or braided and then shaved off the heads with an electric hair shaver. The hair will be burned over a stove fire to be carbonized and then it will be placed in a blender with water and the murky water will be dumped in the toilet bowl and flushed. The brains will be removed from the heads using a small diamond saw and all the skin on the heads will be peeled and cut away and then the heads will be boiled until clean. The small diamond saw will be used to cut the skull into smaller bits. Muscle tissue, skin tissue and internal organs will be placed in small portions in an electrical Kitchenaid meat grinder and then portions of ground tissue will go into a Vitamix TurboBlend VS blender and the tissue will be mixed in the blender with water. The Vitamix TurboBlend VS blender will be used for this purpose because this powerful high speed blender has the ability to turn flesh into pulp. The watery pulp will be flushed down the toilet. All the bones will be cut into small chunks using a diamond saw. The bones will be dried in a Millbrook freeze drier and then ground into a fine power with the Kitchenaid flour grinder attachment. The bone powder will be mixed with water in the Vitamix blender and the murky bone water will be flushed down the toilet. Another way that the bones could be broken down is to saw them into small chunks and then cook them in a pressure cooker with four cups of vinegar mixed into water for several hours until they turn soft and pasty. The acid in the vinegar softens up the bones quicker. The soft bones could then be mixed with water in the Vitamix TurboBlend VS blender and the murky water can be flushed down the toilet. The bones can also be dried in an oven whole and then put through a sander using course sandpaper turning the bones into dust. The dust can then be placed in the Vitamix blender. The bodies will be reconverted back into molecules and people will vanish in midair without a trace, just like what happened with Jimmy Hoffa. To this date Jimmy Hoffa has not been found and he will never be found.

Bagarella tells the police that the Mafia will not kill a single innocent person if the police keep away from the Mafia and their affairs. If the police don't listen, then Bagarella claims that innocent women will die and the police will be held responsible for all the women that disappear.

In a news briefing, New York police chief James Giannelli said his department plans to fully cooperate with the Mafia. Giannelli said all investigations of the Mafia have come to an end in order to save the lives of hundreds if not thousands of innocent people.

The police chief was met with applauds from spectators in the audience who believe the police chief has made the right decision in protecting the lives of people in New York.

Glady Knight said, "It's great that the police finally have done something positive to protect the public from harm."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more