Iraq officially runs out of people

Funny story written by Jack Loftus

Thursday, 29 September 2005

image for Iraq officially runs out of people
It's all over! It's all over!

BAGHDAD, Iraq - A landmark moment was reached in President George W. Bush's self-proclaimed war on terror today as the last of Iraq's citizens were killed in a suicide blast outside of the capital city.

The blast was actually one of three that were conducted almost simultaneously by suicide bombers, rumored to be, coincidentally, the last three such bombers left in the country. Sixty people were rumored to be dead; the last 6o Iraqis of the more than 3 million that had called the country home when it was ruled by Saddam Hussein.

There was initially one survivor of the blasts, an Ali Ababwa of Baghdad, but he later smothered himself in a hospital bed upon learning from a nurse that U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld would be visiting the capital.

Back in Washington, D.C., President Bush declared victory in Iraq and asked that all Americans who made less than $50,000 a year make a sacrifice by shouldering a new tax so that more freedom could be brought to Libya, North Korea, Syria and others.

"With the population of Iraq now resting freely and comfortably beneath the ground or in pieces around the squares and popular marketplaces of Baghdad, Fallujah and Basra, I think it's fair to say this time around that major combat operations in Iraq are over."

"With these nation building exercises you are often left with the country you have left, and not a country you would like to have; and I would just like to reassure the American people that when we do this before the 2006 midterm elections all the kinks of this invasion will have been worked out." Rumsfeld said.

"And I ask all those in the media who are surely going to spin this story against the administration; how much more free and safe can a country be when there are no people to cause crime or blow up the innocent?"

With the villages and cities of Iraq now officially devoid of a native populace, many analysts and experts are asking what will happen to country's infrastructure, vast oil fields, and terrorist theme parks.

Already, it would seem, those questions are being answered as several groups have set up shot in and around the Green Zone of central Baghdad.

Said one inhabitant, a former Blackwater security agent who now without any Iraqi Assemblymen to protect: "There have been several reported sightings of Geraldo Rivera in the area, which was weird because people were saying he was propping up dead people and throwing his voice to make it look like they were alive and everything was just fine over here."

FOX News network has also set up a permanent bureau in Baghdad, and a spokesman there said Sean Hannity has indeed set up a mobile studio inside the Abu Ghraib torture rooms.

"He said he likes the smell," the spokesman said.

In related news: Imprisoned Saddam Hussein commends Bush on his efforts in Iraq, saying "he has managed to kill more innocents in three years than I could have possibly done in three lifetimes! You can be sure I was taking notes the whole time… Several entrepreneurial GIs have remained in Baghdad to form a porn company using the skills they mastered in the recent bodies for booty policy started by an adult web site… several GOP leaders were also spotted in Iraq this week after using the web site to put together a one-way trip out of the country following the indictment of Rep. Tom DeLay…

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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