Vice President Cheney Resigns for Health Reasons

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Friday, 16 September 2005

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The VIce President announced his resignation this morning due to declining health and vows to support his replacement.

(AP) U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney has resigned from his office for health related reasons. President George W. Bush immediately nominated Halliburton Oil, Inc. to replace him.

Cheney has suffered from heart and other medical problems for much of the Bush Presidency. His declining health has caused him to miss several top level meetings and has kept him from playing an active part in the Hurricane Katrina disaster. With his retirement from public service, he plans to move back to his native Wyoming and rest. Several publishing houses are already seeking him out about printing and distributing his memoirs.

The nomination of a major corporation to succeed the Vice President comes as a major surprise. White House Spokesman Gifford Tinfoil offered the following statement: "The Supreme Court ruled many years ago that a corporation is a person in the eyes of the law. Under those circumstances, the Halliburton Company has been one of the President's biggest supporters, both with emotional and financial support. Since they have already worked with the President in an advisory capacity his entire time in office, especially in the Iraq situation, he felt that it would be best to take full advantage of their experience and knowledge."

Democratic Spokesman Eric Paperweight issued the following news release from party headquarters: "Even though he was a Republican, President Eisenhower warned us of the military/industrial complex taking over our government. The nomination of Halliburton Oil for the position of Vice President shows us that the prophecy has fully come true. What will they do next? Run McDonalds as the Halliburton Vice President because they've served billions more than anyone else? Just because Cheney's puppet strings on the President won't reach back to Wyoming, Halliburton decided that this was the best way to continue to control the man and decide our government policy. Watch for more oil drilling in the National Parks now."

This move would, of course, put Halliburton in the lead position to be the Republican nominee for the next presidential election. Whether or not the American people would support a corporation for President has yet to be determined.

The Vice President is also head of the Senate and casts the tie breaking vote in event of a deadlock. When asked who would represent them in the Senate meetings and fulfill this function, Halliburton company executives said that they would appoint a board member to assume this function. "In fact," said David Holepunch, Administrative Assistant to the CEO, "This will be an even better situation for the country. Vice President Cheney could only be in one place at one time. We can constantly have one man assisting in the Oval Office while another is on the Senate Floor and a third is lobbying the party platform in the Senate Office Building. Since we can rotate men, we can have an active Vice President in place 24 hours a day."

Expected Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton denounced this move and said that her and her expected running mates from Whitewater would put a stop to this immediately.

Seismologist studying conditions at Arlington National Cemetery confirmed that all former Presidents buried there rolled over in their graves in unison.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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