GOP reveals new ‘Southern Strategy"

Funny story written by Jack Loftus

Wednesday, 28 September 2005

Blacks, poor to shoulder most of the blame

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the flood waters of hurricanes Katrina and Rita finally subsided this week, a new flood of questions about integrity and accountability deluged the president, who quickly activated his confidant and concubine to Hades, Karl Rove.

Rove was said to have been activated soon after the initial flooding of New Orleans and parts of Texas had began as a means to ensure the president could remain focused on an uncharacteristically harsh brush season in Crawford, Texas.

Political analysts close to the White House are calling the new "Southern Strategy" crafted by "Bush's Brain" nothing short of genius, and suspect the embattled president will once again emerge from his latest disaster with nothing short of a modest bounce in the opinion polls.

In an atypically bold move, Rove held a press conference this morning so he could outline his new strategy for the American people.

"The new plan is simple, we're going to blame the blacks," Rove said. "For years we've blamed them for everything from drug use to crime in the country, so those of us close to the president felt it would only be an extension of that strategy to blame the wonton death and destruction of Katrina on the blacks as well."

Rove continued by saying that all of his assertions were to be believed because they were as much a part of science as an invisible man who lives in the sky.

"It's a known fact that global warming is a farce. If you look at the independent report released by the White House this morning you will find that many of the earth's more destructive weather patterns are the direct result of the gases emitted by deep fried food and the secondhand smoke from Newport cigarettes," Rove said.

Rove went on to nominate Barbara Bush, the tolerant wife of President George H.W. Bush, as the official spokesperson for the GOP's new Southern Strategy. Rove said Mrs. Bush's straight-talkin' demeanor and unmatched mastery of 1800s-era civil rights made her the perfect fit for the softer side of the GOP's new policy for "them coloreds."

Said Mrs. Bush: "We love to have them Negroes here in Houston, and can't wait for them to leave and get back to their palatial homes back in the Bayou, where we can bulldoze down their houses with them inside and put Sen. Trent Lott's house on their graves."

When criticized by reporters for her crass and hateful speech, Mrs. Bush apologized.

"Silly me, did I say ‘graves?' I meant ‘large pit'."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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