Siebel eats its own CFO

Funny story written by Stu B

Friday, 29 April 2005

image for Siebel eats its own CFO
Goldman Accompanied by a Nice Chianti

Following the recent departure of their relatively new CEO, Siebel systems announced today that the senior board had elected to devour the current CFO as retribution for the previously announced poor fiscal performance last quarter.

Tom Siebel Chairman and general despot announced that his Current CFO Ken Goldman would be rotisseried in the executive Kitchens at noon today prior to being served to the senior Management team in the restaurant on the eighth floor at the San Jose headquarters of the struggling Software company.

Speculation abounds as to the actual menu details, analyst predict that Goldman will be served with Yams, Spring onions and baked potato whilst others consider that an Atkins friendly alternative will be offered with a low carb Caesar salad.

Leftovers will be bagged and distributed to the general workforce as an act of goodwill. The family of Mr Goldman will receive his personal belongings and a bag of giblets.

The act follows the recent publication of Tom "Hannibal" Siebel's newest Business book, "Cannibalise Your Staff - A guide to surviving a downturn" in which he adapts his traditional approach to monitoring and driving up customer satisfaction through strict management and deployment of non intuitive and frankly, soul destroying, software by adding the twist of personal jeopardy to anyone who fails. He accepts that current US employment law prevents the preparation of standard employees for food, so at present only senior board are eligible to being served as lunch, as they were all asked to sign a variation to their employment terms and conditions last week at a hastily arranged board meeting where they were encouraged at gunpoint to relinquish any claim to fundamental human rights.

Siebel lobby's heavily in his new book that Government should relax the existing cannibalisation laws to extend this kind of Dis-incentive approach though the entire workforce.

For lesser misdemeanours he proposes snacking on a colleagues earlobes or cutting strips from their buttocks, culminating in a frenzied feeding attack on any weak or non performing co workers.

It was also announced that Siebel's next software release will include Menu modules which will suggest possible serving suggestions for failing employees based on their weight, meat content and general aroma. A vegetarian alternative is being considered but is currently not supported.

Analysts are now eagerly awaiting the quarter three announcement which is to be made at a special banquet in Las Vegas and rumours abound that it will be attended by Jamie Oliver.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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