Olympic Games USA Report - 1st Quarter

Funny story written by Rebut

Wednesday, 18 August 2004

As I sit here in my little two bedroom apartment in Athens, I must confess that I, like everyone else, am surprised at the poor showing by the USA. Let's face it we all expected a runaway leader, not second to China, at this stage of the competition writes Ken Taki Friedchickenus.

At a meeting of the US Olympic team it emerged that the athletes are all Mexicans who hopped the border and had been given the choice between this or having the Kerry Stump Speech translated to them daily.

Due to translation difficulties some were led to believe that there was no choice on offer, it was the Daily Stump Speech or nothing. A customs official told us that the sight of those Mexicans perforating their eardrums with a car spanner will never leave him so long as he lives....But I digress.....

Notwithstanding anything set out above the Mexican USA Olympic Team set out for Athens. The coaches explained to the team members that as a result of Iraq, there was a manpower shortage. In addition there were threats from Muslim extremists to consider. So rather than worry about the problems they would use the Mexicans.

They explained why the Mexicans were chosen : 1) They were used to running while trying to cross the border 2) They were used to the shooting albeit ducking bullets mostly 3) Some of the women had better beards than Al Quaida terrorists and could be used in the men's events if pushed.

What seems good in theory doesn't always go down so well in practice. The basketball reversal against Puerto Rica made risking the Al Quaida threats a real consideration. As one coach explained : "I don't mind being the coach in &^%$& charge of this abortion being thrashed by Puerto Rica, but when that little genius with the full beard...no the next idiot ..yes her...asks for political asylum during the first quarter then Texerena the Mex is getting a bullet".

Coaches were also upset that none of the Mexicans even resembled the athletes they were supposed to be passing themselves off as. The "Michael Phelps Lookalike" for starters is a 4ft 8in woman from Tijuana who was either pregnant or was the explenation for the team's missing watermelon.

But all of this pales when regard is had to the waterpolo match with Chile. The "USA" team jumped into the pool and for the rest of the match we had the pleasure of watching the Chilean's racing up and down the pool. Then it ended. Then they got out. Then they left the venue.

Coach Dan Gshame takes up the story : "We hadn't seen or heard from those Mexicans for over an hour. We approached the pool gingerly...terrified to look...yep, drowned to a man...well man except for that woman with the beard..."

Gshame says they were mortified. How could they get all these dead Mexicans out of the pool without causing a major outcry. "Hell we could not believe that not one of 'em could swim. Go figure...half, the majority...but every last %&%* one?"

It was like Nightmare on Elm street. 4 US coaches trying to figure out how to remove their corpses and leave with a bit of decorum. "More like a lot of feckin' jail time's how we saw it. But we had to get going so we stripped down and dived in. One by one we put them on the side of the pool and then put them over our shoulders and made our way nonchalantly from the building".

We then took them to the French tourism building and sat them up in chairs. Probably the most business they've seen in years.

At the end of the meeting the coaches agreed that this could not be allowed to continue. They were embaressing the USA and themselves as well as occasioning mass slaughter every now and then. They agreed that the only solution was to contact Washington and tell them to put more assets on the Canadian border.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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