Mayor Bloomberg Saves NYC From Egyptian Demonstrator Melee

Funny story written by Anan E Maus

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

NEW YORK, New York - A number of Egyptian-Americans, including a few of the more notable Egyptian bakers in the city, have converged on the few Egyptian bricklayers and police officers who live and work in the city.

In an action that seemed suspiciously similar to those occurring in such Egyptian towns as Cairo right now, a protest against the native-born but still Murabak-supporting bricklayers and police officers by the more democratically-minded yet ironically Egypt-born bakers, escalated into full-fledged violence today as baguettes and rolls carried by the bakers were hurled viciously at the mostly shocked bricklayers around Washington Square Park.

Traffic in Washington Square ground to a standstill, as the barrage of baguettes continued without letup.

Horse-mounted police officers, most Egyptian, were brought in to try to quell the tide of rising, awful, horrible bakery violence, but were powerless against the relentless volleys of kaiser rolls and Syrian bread.

A number of EMTs, also Egyptian-American, arrived on the scene, and, after turning east to pray to Allah (or was it Mohammed? I forget which), these crews immediately attempted to revive the bread-stunned, fallen Egyptians.

Mayor Bloomberg, told by an aide of the debacle, immediately sent for the Governor, to whom he spoke at length on the telephone in his opulent office, aides say, and it was decided to call in the National Guard, that favorite last-ditch standby and stopgap solution, so favored by all American politicians, from those representing the mayoral, on up to and far exceeding the gubernatorial.

Of course, the traffic being so heavy and congested not only near Washington Square but throughout the whole, still snowbound city, the NG troops were themselves powerless.

Bloomberg used his Jewishness to try to contact some local Israel-Americans to try to end the situation, but his Americanness put off many of the more staunch Israelis to whom his requests for aid were made.

It was especially awful to them to watch him try to drink the Lalackha juice so long favored by the Jewish people as a peace-keeping and friend-making elixir.

In the Lower East Side apartment of one representative of Israel's famed and feared Mossad, Mayor Bloomberg stumbled and fell when presented with the Israeli flag.

Of course, this unintentional slight was overlooked by the magnanimous Jews thereat, and he was next asked to wave the flag in a certain, generous way known only to the Jewish people, unfortunately, in this too, he failed.

Many of the Mossad representatives began to balk and grow angry and suggest quite sternly that maybe he didn't have any Jewish blood in him at all, or all this living in America had leeched it out of his system.

So, in the end, Bloomberg being unable to perform adequately to the constraints and conditions of the Mossad agents, these men, too, refused to give their aid.

Having no one to turn to, not even the police and sanitation and mass transit and snow-removal workers, who numbered in the hundreds of thousands, as these were, once again, on strike due to what they claim is "small wages," Bloomberg was forced to pile in his Lincoln Continental, an armor-plated, bulletproof official mayoral vehicle, and crash through the thronged Egyptians, scattering them like ninepins, then, he hurled the first of seventeen grenades that the Mossad operatives had given him, at the Egyptian bakers, who were severely injured and burnt, in this first wave of brutal but necessary attack.

Three hours later, when the smoke cleared, the dead numbered at least 59, some of whom had actually been killed personally by Mayor Bloomberg in reckless, hideous hand-to-hand combat, using tactics taught to him just recently by the Mossad, and somewhat ironically, more were from the bricklaying, Mutarbak-supporting contingent than from the bakers.

The riot thus quelled, Bloomberg reached up to adjust his now-smouldering tie, wiped away the blood that blemished his face, and the smudgy trails of dispelled coal-black smoke that clothed it, smiled his winning smile and went to confront the horde of journalists who had gathered to report on and witness the carnage.

In each hand, he held an Egytian's severed head.

To use a tired comment, truly we are seeing a new and a vibrant Mayor Bloomberg.

In fact, some reporters from the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal are already considering titling their articles about this event and it's carnage, "Mayor Bloomberg: Action-Hero?" and "Mayor Bloomberg Kicks Egyptian Ass; Saves City from Violent, Stupid Bakers".

Many in the city are only too proud of their previously quiet, do-nothing, acquiescent mayor, and reporters were surprised yet delighted when he went to go clear the massive mounds of snow choking the city, single-handed, after he had finished his impromptu press conference, reporters flashing away, taking picture after picture of their new heroic mayor.

Just before he left, sans shovel, to clear away the mountains of snow plaguing the city, he playfully hurled the severed Egyptian heads at two reporters, who being cowards as almost all reporters (especially war-correnspondents, and foreign correspondents) are, ducked in craven fear behind some bread-smeared trashbins, overflowing with trash that Mayor Bloomberg pledged to, himself, also clear away! The city will be hoarse from all the exclamations of praise of this incredible, hitherto unknown and unseen and untried man.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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