FDA Puts off Contraceptive Decision, Agency in Trouble

Funny story written by wadenelson

Saturday, 27 August 2005


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FDA Administrator Less Crawfish

Washington - The Food and Drug Administration put off it's controversial decision on the Plan B "Morning After" pill a little too long, according to Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay, and is now "An Agency in Trouble." With both pro-choice and pro-life factions telling the agency what it should do, FDA administrator Less Crawfish reportedly has disconnected his phone and suffers from frequent bouts of morning sickness. Given the Pro-Life atmosphere in Washington, in less than 8 1/2 months taxpayers can expect the birth of yet another federal bureaucracy.

FDA staffers reportedly got a little "too friendly" with Department of Agriculture officials at a mixer put on by ADM. Alcohol flowed, folks got frisky, the clothes came off, and some hanky-panky happened. Pro-choice groups were expecting a decision on Plan B from FDA by September first, now the FDA is merely expecting. Critics repeatedly ask, "But what is Plan A?" FDA Administrator Crawfish never answers, but merely points at his "hat."

"Just as one cannot simultaneously prepare for war and plan for peace, one cannot advocate a policy of abstinence while making birth control more avilable" said Crawfish. We've got Christian fundamentalists who put Bush in office screaming that abortion is murder, and 150 million women saying, "Fine, then put ALL contraceptives over the counter. We can't win."

For some reason, the FDA feels that only adults, and not teenagers, should have access to morning-after contraception. Normally, adults practice the Boy Scouts mantra of "always being prepared."

The FDA said scientific evidence backed the safe nonprescription use of the pill, sold under the brand Plan B, by women 17 or older. But that may not be sufficient to get it past the Bush administration, whose backers include the Religious Right.

"It's like being in purgatory," said Barr Pharmaceutical chief executive Bruce Downey. With FDA pregnant, we don't know if we'll have to re-submit all our research data to them or the new agency they bear in 9 months, or both.

The morning-after pill is a high dose of regular birth control that, taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex, can lower the risk of pregnancy by up to 89 percent. It can be taken naked, while hung over, even while still smoking after sex.

Seven states - Alaska, California, Hawaii, Maine, New Hampshire, New Mexico and Washington - already allow women to buy Plan B without a prescription.

Could Plan B be treated like cigarettes, something that's tasty after sex, or perhaps the first so-called "behind-the-counter" drug, where women don't need a doctor's note but must ask the pharmacist to hand it over, the way Trojans used to be.

FDA's failure to act "Is a breach of faith," said Hillary Rodham Clinton, reportedly requesting the approval of Plan B not for her own contraceptive needs, but for interns possibly impregnated by her philandering husband.

Kirsten Moore of the Reproductive Health Technologies Project noted that FDA already has logged 17,400 letters from the public and advocacy groups. Like some wayward mailman, however, most of them were simply discarded in dumpsters. "Think re-election, politics, that sort of thing. The FDA doesn't report to the public and never has. They report to their overlords in the White House."

Conservative groups, which have claimed that over-the-counter emergency contraception would encourage teens to have sex, as if that were the worst thing in the world.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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