Alan Greenspan Rants Against Threat to US Dollar Due to Iran and PetroEuro

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Tuesday, 9 August 2005

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The Greenspan Greenback

WASHINGTON (Reuters)-On Wednesday, US Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan ranted against the planned switch to the "PetroEuro" by Iran for oil sales which he claims endangers the PetroDollar and the plain old American greenback.

"I can't stand it anymore!" shouted Greenspan during Congressional testimony in which he alternately chewed on crack cocaine and gulped quaaludes. "Iran's Oil Bourse will be denominated in PetroEuros and that is a grave threat to the US dollar and our domestic interest rates. We must bomb those Persians back to the stone age just like we did to the Iraqis!"

To illustrate his point, Greenspan withdrew a 9mm Glock from his briefcase and repeatedly fired it into the ceiling of the Senate hearing room until cordite fumes and the clatter of spent shell casings filled the chamber. Guards quietly asked Greenspan to tone it down.

"I'm the God and ruler of the PetroDollar and the greenback and interest rates and no one can stand in my way!" Greenspan bellowed. "We must bomb Iran all to hell and gone and topple its government with an invasion just the same way we did to Iraq because Saddam also switched to PetroEuros for his oil sales!"

Aides quickly converged on the outspoken Fed Chairman and calmed him down by reading from the novel "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. They also took away his crack cocaine and his Glock.

Greenspan was under an understandable degree of stress because he was out on bail after being recently charged by police with killing off large sections of the American middle class with his Federal Reserve policies.

The charges arose due to revelations in the new book by economist Ravi Batra "Greenspan's Fraud: How Two Decades of His Policies Have Undermined the Global Economy" -- see the related story "Alan Greenspan Charged With Killing Off Middle Class, Setting Stage for Economic Collapse"

Under Greenspan's questionable management of the Federal Reserve, America's rich have gotten a lot richer and the poor have gotten a lot poorer as the middle class have been eroded, just like in the 1920s before the Great Depression began. Many believe such an unjust division of society reduces purchasing power of the masses and causes economic collapse and depression, which is just about to occur today too. The US dollar could lose its status as the world's reserve currency for trade, oil sales and foreign exchange holdings, and could collapse in value.

Now to potentially worsen things for the US dollar, the government of Iran is planning to open its Oil Bourse in March 2006 to sell its oil for Euros, rather than for dollars. Iraq had also just begun selling its oil in Euros in 2000 rather than in US dollars which many believe was the real reason that prompted the US government to invade that country in 2003, in addition to seizing control of Iraq's oil wealth to the benefit of large US oil companies like Exxon Mobil and Chrevron Texaco.

Many currently believe that the US military is even now planning to attack Iran with nuclear weapons in order to similarly prevent its moving to the Euro, and to make Israel happy. The pretext for the attack is the hysteria being orchestrated by western media over Iran's enrichment of uranium for peaceful purposes.

Meanwhile, other nations including Russia, China and Japan are diversifying their foreign exchange holdings out of US dollars, and out of US treasuries, further lowering the value of the US dollar and raising US interest rates.

"I'm in charge of interest rates, not some slanty-eyed Eastern tinpot despot government," sobbed Greenspan as he finally broke down. The Fed Chairman was last seen being carried from the Senate Chamber on a stretcher and in a strait-jacket with a strong sedative being fed into his arm in an IV drip.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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