Bush Signs Energy Bill and Boasts "Oil Imports Will Skyrocket"

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 10 August 2005

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More pollution, less energy in Energy Bill

WASHINGTON (AP)-- President Bush signed the comprehensive Energy Policy Act of 2005 yesterday that provides more than $900 billion in massive giveaways and tax credits to a bloated US energy industry that is already laughing all the way to the bank with obscene profits thanks to high oil and other energy prices.

Bush boasted that he is "really rewarding the corporate pigs who backed my elections" by signing the energy legislation. He admitted that the measures wouldn't really lessen the nation's dependence on foreign energy sources but would in fact increase oil imports enormously.

"But that's not the point of the legislation," he asserted. "It's all about paying off all those idiots who put me in office, God Bless Them!"

The law is the result of years of corrupt work, influence-peddling and racketeering on Capitol Hill, with hundreds of millions of dollars given to Republican politicians in lobbying by special-interest groups representing giant energy companies.

The bill shovels tax breaks or subsidies to all sorts of industries, from coal, oil and nuclear power companies to a few farmers of corn and sugar beets to produce ethanol. It includes tax incentives to encourage exploration to find new sources of oil in environmentally sensitive, pristine wilderness areas, and to build more natural gas pipelines. But while the new law offers some incentives for developing alternative fuels and renewable power, it mostly benefits older polluting energy sources such as coal, oil, and nuclear power.

Critics agreed with Bush that the act is a wholesale giveaway to wealthy corporations and said the package would do little to ease the country's growing addiction to foreign oil. In fact, the oil imports will now increase fantastically. The law doesn't increase car mileage standards or tighten federal car emission standards which environmentalists say would reduce global warming and greatly decrease the imported oil the country consumes like a drunken sailor.

Gas prices nationwide surged to a record high of $5.98 a gallon yesterday during the signing.

"But that doesn't matter, since we've taken over the Iraqi oil fields with our illegal and immoral war," said Bush. "Now we're planning to bomb Iran to grab their oil fields too! That's the whole point of these wars, they have nothing to do with fighting 'terrorism' or searching for non-existent 'weapons of mass destruction!' Our lunatic war planners in the Pentagon and in the Big Oil companies are working overtime to cause Armageddon so we can suck up the world's oil. Also, we're so financially indebted as a nation that we simply have to grab all the foreign assets we can for collateral. We owe everyone trillions of dollars!"

''Like Bush says, it's a backward-looking bill focused on the 19th century, not one focused on the 21st century. It doesn't make hardly any investments in new energy," said Kieran Kipperkicker of the League of Voter Conservation. ''Why are be subsidizing older, mature energy industries when we could be promoting clean and cheaper green power?"

''Sure, this bill is not going to solve our energy challenges overnight, or ever, for that matter," countered Bush. "As I said, it's a pay-off to the energy sector. You know, Big Oil. Big Coal. Big Nuclear. Most of the serious problems such as high gasoline costs or the rising dependence on foreign oil have developed over decades and I'm sure as heck not going to fix those problems," Bush said. "I and my oil buddies don't want to anyway. It's all about increasing corporate profits."

He continued, "This bill will worsen emissions of carbon dioxide and global warming and air quality generally, but that's good news for HMOs and Republican drug companies too. It should drive the Democrats to extinction as heat waves increase, deserts spread, storms increase, and agriculture gets wiped out. But we'll be ready to buy votes with Republican disaster relief."

The law also seeks to resurrect the dying, unsafe and uneconomic US nuclear power industry with billions of dollars of hand-outs. The industry has not started up a new plant in more than 3 decades, but now can't wait to build more of the dangerous monstrosities.

"We've pushed nuclear liability onto a gullible public freeing nuclear companies from any possible lawsuits should another Three Mile Island or Chernobyl happen, as they sure as heck will," laughed Bush. "I can't wait to see what sort of genetic mutants grow up caused by the radiation those nuclear plants release during nuclear accidents and from just plain routine nuclear emissions. Jezus, that radioactive crap really screws up the gene pool!"

Taxpayers for Uncommon Sense has found that a total of $640 billion in tax breaks and other spending will now aid the nuclear industry, including subsidies for designing reactors, building nuclear facilities, reprocessing spent fuel, and decommissioning nuclear plants. The law also provides the nuclear industry with federal funds even if a plant's construction is delayed by litigation or red tape.

''Nuclear power is the only power source that is subsidized from cradle to grave and this bill will make nuclear power even more dependent on government handouts," said Keith Kountdown of Taxpayers for Uncommon Sense. "There's a real stench surrounding this energy bill, which will basically further destroy the US economy."

Critics predicted that the ridiculous federal nuclear power funding which the private sector sure wouldn't cough up "will revive the antinuclear movement which hasn't been very active since the 1980s."

See related stories:

Bush & Cheney - To Hell with Energy Efficiency!
Bush tells G8 "I'm wrecking the US economy faster than Kyoto"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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