New Men's Organization Calls for Limitation of Colors

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 8 August 2005

image for New Men's Organization Calls for Limitation of Colors
How many colors do you see here? The Color Keepers say that there can be no more than twelve.

A new group for men, calling itself "The Color Keepers," has announced a march and rally in Washington, D.C. for Monday, September 5, 2005. This date falls on the observance of Labor Day. When asked about the reasons for the rally and march, group spokesman, Fred Whistlestop, provided reporters with this prepared statement:

"A few years ago, another group of men marched and rallied in Washington. They called themselves the Promise Keepers and stood for strong morality and Christian values. Other groups, including minorities, gays, women, anti-war groups, and the Klan, have all done the same thing in the past. We consider it a fundamental right of American Citizens to march on our Capital and protest. We wanted to originally call ourselves the "Color Guard," but found that it sounded a little too military."

"The reasons for our actions at this time are as follows: we feel that designers, decorators, and manufacturers of all kinds have invented many new colors just for the purpose of marketing new products. In their attempts to make money off of the American people, they are creating slightly different shades of the standard colors and giving them newer, fancier names just to make us have to have them."

"For examples of this, we give you the following:

"When most of us were young, our box of crayons had 12 colors. Now, you can buy them in variety boxes of over 200 colors. Then, when our children break one or two, they expect a new, whole assortment at $19.95. They don't want the cheap box of 8 or 16, they want the big one.

"Women want a dress in every color. They are not just satisfied with a red dress, they suddenly need one in scarlet, maroon, salmon, and other such made up names. Scarlet is not a color, it's the lady in "Gone With the Wind! Then they want a dress in seafoam. Seafoam isn't a color, it's pond scum on the ocean! But, they discover that Dillard's has just introduced a new line of seafoam shoes and matching handbags, and suddenly their old ones in fifty different shades of the same few colors are not longer enough."

"Tupperware once released a new line of products. They couldn't say that they were in yellow, green, and orange, they had to call them daffodil, apple green, and burnt orange. They sure looked yellow, green, and orange to us!"

"When we were children, we learned about the color wheel in school. We learned that it contained six colors and that others like black and white were either the presence or absence of these all of these six colors. If it was good enough for the kids of our generation, it's good enough for our kids!"

"Cheerleaders used to shout "for the red, for the red, for the red, fight fight!" How does it sound when they shout for the chartreuse or the coral? Can you cheer for a football team dressed in mauve and peach?"

"Colors acceptable to our organization are listed below. Everything else will be considered merely as shades of these colors and are not allowed to have their own names. The only distinction will be the name of the color preceded by the word light or dark.

"We believe that the time is not for the men of this country to take a stand. Remember, we're the guys who wear blue jeans to mow the yard and get green grass stains, call the cowards "yellow," called Johnny Cash the Man in Black, elect a president to serve in the White House, drink orange juice for breakfast, and salute the red, white, and blue."

"We're just tired of all the marketing people forcing us to buy things in colors that really don't exist just to make our wives and kids happy. We've got better things to do with our money, and we intend to do just that!"

"We also do not go for the idea that men's are made in pink. Women's clothes and underclothes can be pink, but not men's. Do not tell us that a man is comfortable in his masculinity by wearing pink. It really means that he wears it because he is comfortable in his femininity!"

"From September 5th on, we will buy no product that is not made in one of our dozen acceptable colors. This is a boycott of everyone who does not "get real" and stop trying to take advantage of the American people. Sell your seafoam and daffodil overseas, but America is and always will be red, white, and blue!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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