Airport Pat-Downs Reportedly Target "Healthy" Women

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 17 November 2010


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Two candidates for random pat downs

Early statistics are in from several U.S. airports engaged in selected manual pat downs, and there was a surprising trend in singling out younger women who tend to be relatively "healthy" above the waist. Officials held back on any comment until they could review the video surveillance from the airports in question.

Female travelers were outraged during these "random" screenings and while standing in line during security check in were starting to take bets if other women would or would not be selected. "We could see Blondie double D cup get pulled off to the side, and so did another redhead a few people behind her with a full C. It was obvious", says Gentlemen's Club Entertainer and frequent traveler, Wanda Stickles. "I knew I was going to get the full treatment, and I did. Full breast exam and all".

Security representative, Haywood Jablome, met with the press following video case review and commented, "It does appear that some agents at security checkpoints have been targeting a certain female profile. We will take steps to educate these agents and change that behavior. I may have to head down there and show those boys how it's done."

One agent who chose to remain nameless, defended the action of his fellow agents. "I mean, if you wanted to sneak in significant amount of plastic explosive where better place to stuff it. Some of these bullets stick straight out like bricks. They need to be checked. Thoroughly. Twice".

No word yet if official procedures will be modified to ease the tension at security checkpoints. Stickles added, "Go ahead and check us, but you better have female agents checking just as many male packages. One tug and pull deserves another, except they might enjoy it more than we do".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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