With barnstorming, slavering politically correct, patriotic ferver one of the UK's two Prime Ministers (It's the other one's day off) has declined a US offer to moor a giant aircraft carrier in the Thames Estuary during the soon to be 'blitzed-to-oblivion' 2012 London Olympics to boost security!
Number 10 nearly did number 'two's' when approached by the plan and immediately turned down the cost effective offer amid fears it would make the UK look 'weak'(doh!) as the world spotlight focused on the games and especially Stratford by night, not a pretty sight!
According to a Ministry of sitting-on-de-Fence spokesman, Mustufa bin-el-Shite, the White House ("bite your tongue Mustafa, that's racist bro'")offered to station a US carrier here to help defend the skies over London and monitor terrorist communication networks. Mustafa continued;"The Yankee imperialistic dogs wanted to anchor a 40,000-ton Wasp class vessel, which can carry 40 Sea Knight helicopters and up to 20 Harrier 11 attack aircraft. It also has missiles capable of shooting the crap out of my brother-in-laws semi-detached in North Wembley and shooting down airliners, such as Ryanair in case of a 9/11 copycat attack!"
An even higher ranking MoD spokesman, Anwar al-Awlaki told us,"Do not worry effendi many plans are afoot and being drawn up in Number 10's crayoning quiet room and I believe Mr Ian 'Clunkhead' Smith has almost finished his plan despite his red crayon breaking in two."
Having obtained a leaked (is there ever any other kind)copy of Number 10's alternative security plans, courtesy of tealady and reformed good time girl, Sharon Twat, we must indeed give credit where it is due. It would seem that after a prolonged consultation between both PM's and a few other vaguely interested parties, we Brits have nothing to fear when it comes to Homeland Security, no siree!
Far from axeing costs the Coalition have actually found a few extra bob in the kitty and lashed out big time-no expence spared.
Therefore, rather than have hordes of horny, hairy, hunky US sailors running amok throughout the Capital's West End spending their hard-earned dollars on eastern european prostitutes,drugs,overpriced, watered down beer and boosting the flagging economy,the original carrier offer was deemed nul and void.
Thus, among the stringent measures now drawn up to guard each and every one of us vulnerable Brits are that 24 Hours prior to the Olympic flame being ingnited by a Westminter City Council Worker wearing suitably approved Health & Safety uniform, and carrying a four foot Swan Vesta match, he, she or it will commence filling out the appropriate Health & Safety forms as designated. In addition, all existing Police Community Officer approved leave will be cancelled and those on duty will have to be forcibly evacuted from 'Greggs the Baker' and assemble along the river thames!
Here, each and every PCO will be issued with a catapult and a two-week supply of ball bearings plus healthy food rations, the later specially drawn up by Jamie Oliver while he took a prolonged dump.
This plan serves two purposes, firstly should a terrorist attack ensue then the PCO's can retaliate with their catapults rather than guns, which let's face it, are bloody noisey, and justify their overblown salaries!
Secondly, the food rations should ensure a steady weight loss to each and every overweight PCO which eventually may do them some good and of course, make Jamie an even richer little bastard!
Rather than have a rather unsightly Aircraft Carrier polluting the Thames Number 10 has gone for a more low-profile, friendly deterrent, namely a 'Waka taura'** which will be manned by 80 true blue Maori warriors specially flown in from New Zealand by British Airways-if not on strike-to paddle the Waka taura up and down the Thames. At the first sign of any potential terrorist attack each Maori Warrior will immediate paddle to the danger spot, bare his backside at the enemy then launch into a full blown Haka. For those of you unaware of the latter be assured it's enough to scare the living shit out of anyone, especially a raghead!!
Both PM's and other interested parties were understandably exhausted after this gruelling one hour meeting and have immediately withdrawn to alocal Whetherspoons for a piss-up-at taxpayers expense of course.
** Maori War Canoe
SKYTV NEWS Cougar Kay Burley has been furiously rubbing her little Tiki all night until it glowed in the dark and hopes it proves lucky for a few UK Golds in 2012