Mexican Gangs Kill Americans, Misunderstanding Obama's "Punish Enemies" Remark

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Monday, 8 November 2010


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DHS Threat Advisory Code: "LAVENDAR Unicorn" - Happy! Happy! World Peace! Nothing to Fear!

EL PASO, TEXAS - The unintended consequences of Obama's "punish our enemies" remark to Hispanics may be the murder of five Americans in Mexico in the course of a week. Journalists familiar with Mexican drug cartels and human trafficking on the border believe that President Obama's policies and comments have caused organized crime in Mexico to feel they are his friends.

"Carlos de los Chupacabras", Cartel Hit-man: When El Presidente Obama told the Hispanic people "punish our enemies," we really thought he meant "kill Americans" ... and when he said "reward our friends," the first thing I thought of was the signs he put up [around Interstate 8, Arizona] that told Americans "KEEP OUT - DRUG CARTEL TURF!" I said to myself, "it's about time someone told the Americans who is in charge, and made them get out of our way ... thank you, El Presidente Obama."

Although Carlos admitted not being able to read English, he thought it was suspicious that the back of the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) signs had Spanish language ads for penis enlargement and easy credit home loan services.

The Department of Homeland Security found itself facing numerous questions about their effectiveness in making the US border safe, and held a press conference attempting to calm any fears held by Americans. Reports for the past three years indicate drug violence in Mexico has resulted in more than 20,000 murders, and now that Phoenix, Arizona ranks second in the world for most kidnapping, some Americans think there might be a problem.

Janet Napolitano, Secretary DHS: Seeing cars, buildings, streets, shrubbery, and vending machines splattered with blood, as scavenging birds pick at fresh corpses, can raise doubts regarding the security of our southern border. However, I assure everyone that the US/Mexico Border has never, ever, ever been safer. In fact, the Department of Justice and Federal law enforcement are aggressively pursuing every violation of law on our borders, and will not stop until they have the answers we want.

Many political analysts rated Secretary Napolitano's statements as "somewhat stronger than a three-day-old kitten." However, they also conceded that her previous criticism of drug violence had never been as "forceful," or even qualified as condemnation, so this may signal big changes in the way Homeland Security operates. Up until now, the Obama Administration's method of "Securing the Border" consisted of trying to get rid of cops and political opponents in America. Although several drug traffickers and gang members made apologies for killing dozens of Americans during the Obama presidency, the US Department of Justice says it will get tough on threats to the US.

Eric Holder, US Attorney General: Informants within the Drug Cartels are certain that any American deaths are simply the result of misunderstandings, and a lot of deaths occur because people carelessly get in the way of bullets. However, we are not going to rule out the possibility that nearly all violent deaths in Mexico have resulted from the activities of Tea-Baggers, First Amendment Extremists, Christians, and Anti-Marxist Bigots.

Since the murder of five Americans in Mexico, DHS has reassessed the US threat level. The current Homeland Security Advisory Scale is at "LAVENDAR Unicorn" - Peace and love are everywhere and the Galaxy has been saved, thanks to President Obama.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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