Nurse Wins 'Outstanding Murder Of A Burden To Society' by the National Health

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 7 November 2010


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ABOVE: The sole confession of his wife which he ate and donated to the National Trust.

The National Health Service, the UK's way of sliding communism in under the noses of the Western world, has awarded Nurse Bernadetta Akwward the 'Meredith Francis Maguire / Bobby Sands Memorial Award for Outstanding Murder of a Burden To Society'.

Nurse Bernadetta, a home health care worker, was assigned to care for 27-year-old tetraplegic Johnny Moppetts in his home. (Tetrapalegia is a condition similar to quadripalegia, which only affects the British.)

What is abdication?

How the f--k should I know, I'm American.

Seriously, Abdication (from the Latin abdicatio, meaning 'piss off') is the act of renouncing and resigning from a formal office, especially for those who have been formally crowned.

In 1936, King Edward LLXVIII abdicated the British Kingship in order to marry American transvestite Wallis Simpson, over the objections of the British establishment, the governments of the Commonwealth, the royal family, Henry Hall, George Formby, the Church of England and Jesus Christ Almighty. "None of those people are having sex with me," the King said. "And, in this case, its 'hos before bros', man."

That last joke seemed tacked on.

F--k you.

Seriously, I saw the picture of the guy with an envelope in his mouth, and the Beatles lyric came to mind. Not one to leave a joke on a shelf, no matter how unfunny it is, I threw it in.

Needing to use the plug Moppetts's life support ventilator was plugged into to vacuum some cookie crumbs off of the cripple, Bernadetta was videotaped shutting the machine off, ignoring the blaring EEEEEEEEEEE sound that anyone who's even seen a television medical drama on TV knows means 'Patient is F--ked', cutting off the tetrispalegic's air supply.

"He began to smack his lips together, which is his way of indicating that he is in distress, or is thirsty, or needs a big, big smooch," said a spokesperson. "Nurse Bernadetta had know way of knowing that Moppett was watching his executioner end his life."

Further bungling the rescue efforts was the fact that, once the problem was discovered, Bernadetta's boss was too busy chastising her to, you know, begin to save Merret's life.

"When we arrived on scene, some 30 minute after the initial event," said an ambulance technician who arrived on scene to witness the start of Moppett's decomposition. "We found that Nurse Whatshernamea put the Ambu (respirator) Bag onto Moppett's anus, obviously not recognizing the big f--king tube sticking out of his trachea, which he breathes through."

"Nevertheless, since Moppett's care was costing the government each year about 150,000 pounds U.K. (which equals about $14 trillion in real money)," said the spokesperson, "settling the accidental death lawsuit will still be cheaper than keeping that fleshy paperweight alive another 5 years."

Nurse Bernadetta's award --the first ever awarded to an Endor-born Ewok in the UK-- will be presented to her at her new job location: Buckingham Palace, where she is for Prince Schmekle, Prince Harry and Prince Baldy's oft-overlooked younger brother, who remains imprisoned in the Palace as 'motivation' for Charles to abdicate.

Prosecutors declined to prosecute the nurse, even after she confessed via letter to her husband, which he consumed to avoid it falling into the authorities' hands.

"Yes, she did confess, but the husband intercepted it," said the London-based prosecutor, still wearing one of those stupid f--king 18th century white wigs on his head. "Thus, he possessed the sole confession of his wife, which he ate then donated to the National Trust."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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