Vatican to finance luposuction of a molested altar boy

Funny story written by Cristobal El Gato

Sunday, 17 October 2010


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Only two days after Pope Benedict XVI in his annual message for World Food Day called upon the international community to stay united against hunger, the Holy See announced on Vatican Radio that they would finance liposuction of Timothy Burrows, a former altar boy and a victim of Father Donald Roemer of the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, who in 1981 pled guilty to sexual abuse of minors.

"It is the only right thing to do," said Father Federico Lombardi on Sunday, "We put him in this situation, we caused the trauma that led him to obsessive eating disorder. World Food Day is the perfect opportunity to make things right. He will be healthier and there will be more food for those who need it. We owe it to both, the hungry and the molested."

The Vatican spokesman also added that Mr. Burrows agreed to dedicate a half of his daily food expenses to charity. "It just shows how big his heart is," said Lombradi about the former altar boy, now 42 years old, whose heart weighs 625 grams at the moment, which is twice the normal size for a healthy adult male.

Asked for comments, Mr. Burrows' attorney Stephen Markowitz stated that his client wanted to close this chapter of his life and move on. "Timothy wants to live a normal life like anybody else in Los Angeles. We welcome Vatican's help. After all the church has done to him and other boys, it seems to be a step in the right direction," said Markowitz.

Even though the date of Mr. Burrow's liposuction is yet to be set, there are unofficial reports that he is already involved in talks about his own reality show and a possible feature film. "No, it is absolutely false. We know nothing about his future plans," said Father Lombardi asked if it was true that Vatican would be producing the film with Timothy Burrows casted in a leading role.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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