Written by Charpa93

Monday, 11 October 2010

image for Vatican Claims UFOs to Blame for Much of Church Scandal

An official report from the Vatican released on 10-10-10 puportedly shows evidence that there were several sightings and/or abductions during the last half of this decade centered solely around the Vatican and a direct link to other-worldly beings.

Cardinal Antonio DuBois, a high-ranking official in the church, claims that between the years 1983 and as recent as last month, there have been 74 confirmed cases of inappropriate sexual behavior and/or missing children between a certain age group by what can only be described as men who seemed to have a total disregard for the Church's laws when it came to our highest demand--avoidance of sexual relations.

"These were priests, but unlike any of our priests," said DuBois. "They went out of their way to flaunt their ability to get anyone they wanted and when confronted would almost magically disappear for days without a trace, leaving us to scratch our heads and wonder if they ever really did exist at all. At one point, we were so convinced that we were making the whole scandal up that we had our own leader, Pope Benedict, give a sermon on the very subject of subjectivity."

While Pope Benedict will not come right out and say that the Vatican has an alien problem, he does admit that there are some mighty strange goings on that have seriously shaken his core beliefs. For instance, the Pope claims that on more than one occasion he's found himself saying things like "God is not solitude, but perfect communion," an obvious reference to the Science Fiction thriller where giant alien bugs give exams in places most humans can't see from a direct angle. In fact, the Vatican is undergoing a major pest extermination project as we speak "just to be on the safe side," claims Benedict.

In the meantime, Church leaders cannot stress enough the importance for parish boys, especially altar boys, to stay away from dark corners and anyplace else a vile being might hide in the shadows awaiting his moment to pounce and probe, turning yet another innocent child into an unwitting victim or worse, one of them.

When asked why there have now come to light thousands of cases of serious charges being brought against seemingly human priests and other members of the church for crimes against minors, the Pope said he does not yet have a way to tie each and every one of the cases into his 'alien' theory, but, he says "first we will try and clean house and get rid of the bugs. Then, we will go after the ones who were infected and eradicate them next. Unfortunately, since many of the boys who were already somehow affected by the "alien force," we will just have to wait and see what the next generation brings. It always seems to becoming an ongoing worry for us, one that is not easily eradicated."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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