Hollywood Mourns Beaver's Mom: No, not Dina Lohan...

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 17 October 2010

image for Hollywood Mourns Beaver's Mom: No, not Dina Lohan...
Tee hee. Beaver.

Barbara Billingsley, who taught women in the 1950's that they were abject failures unless they did all of their housework in a ball gown, pearl necklace and apron as the mom on Leave It to Beaver, died Saturday. She was 316.

The Only Funny Scene of her Career.

Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE!
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!
Billingsly: Oh stewardess! I speak jive.
Randy: Oh, good.
Billingsly: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
Billingsly: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
Billingsly: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Billingsly: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph!

The actress, who suffered from rheumatoid arthritis, turned to dust in her Santa Monica home, surrounded by doctors, nurses, used Depends, and a bunch of family and friends that she hasn't recognized since the Carter Administration.

"Who, now?" Jerry Mathers, who played Beaver on the sitcom, said after being told of Billingsley's passing.

"She will live in the hearts of her fans as the chick on that show that comes on before The Munsters, and not be remembered by her friends at all," said Tony Dow, who played Beaver's older brother Wombat, through the drive-in microphone of the Santa Clara McDonalds he manages. "She helped me along this challenging journey through life by showing me the importance of manners, courtesy, and she also taught me how to tongue-kiss."

Billingsley was famous during the 1920s and 30s as the star of a number of TV series, including:

* The Armour Slaughterhouse Company Presents...

* The Lark Cigarettes Kids' Funtime Happy Hour.

* Silly Negro, You Can't Eat Here.

* Enjoy These Blankets, Injun.

* Larry King Live.

* Lucky Strike and the Raybestos Asbestos Shingle Company Presents 'Here's To Your Health'

She also starred in many short films, including: "Vote For George Washington", "Hitler Is Our Friend", "Stabbing a Jap In The Face Means You Love America.", "Randolph Scott Loves The Ladies", "40 States Are Plenty; Say 'No' to The Montana Territory" and "Plutonium: The Tingling Means It's Working"

After Beaver, Billingsley made ends meet with a few soft-core movies, the most notable being "Leave It In, Beaver", widely regarding as the first 'creampie' video. She later popped up in Airplane!, making fun of two black characters when she said," I speak Jive..."

"Who the f--k knew what those coloreds were saying," said Billingsly in a 1989 interview. " 'catch ya up on da rebound'? Sh-t, for all I knew it was a secret message to the Black Panthers, telling them to avenge Huey Newton's murder conviction."

Sadly, Billingsly ruined the sweet memories of her fans by reprising her role as June Cleaver in the 1983 TV movie 'Still the Beaver' and 'The New Leave It to Beaver' series.

Billingsley leaves behind two sons, a stepson, several grandchildren, and a trail of destruction five miles wide.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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