Written by B Pierce

Saturday, 16 October 2010

image for Biden winks, tells waitress "I'll show you what's too big to fail"

ALEXANDRIA, VA - Vice President Joe Biden has once again drawn the ire of political foes and women's groups after he allegedly harassed a Northern Virginia cocktail waitress over the weekend, referring to his genitalia as "too big to fail."

The Vice President and several members of his staff were on a weekend retreat Saturday night when they were seen having drinks at "Tailfeathers." Known for scantily clad waitresses and daily drink specials, Tailfeathers is a popular Alexandria bar frequented primarily by local college students. Biden was reportedly "visibly inebriated" and was overheard several times yelling "I'm the VP, bitch!"

At approximately 1:38 a.m. the Vice President was questioned by a bar patron about the controversial Troubled Asset Relief Program, or TARP bill. George Washington University student Brad Meyer told Biden he believed it was arbitrary to classify some banks as too big to fail. In response, the Vice President allegedly told Mr. Stevens, "You better stick to your Intro to Economics course brosef, because this shit is way above your pay grade." Biden added, "Besides, America's back baby, you should be thanking Uncle Joe!"

At this point Biden, apparently frustrated with Mr. Stevens, grabbed Tailfeathers waitress Michelle Prince by the wrist and asked her, "How would he know anything about too big to fail?" Biden then winked mischievously, pulled her closer, and allegedly whispered, "Hey, hey, I'll show you what's too big to fail." An outraged Ms. Prince told the Vice President he was old enough to be her father. To which Biden reportedly replied, "Baby I'm totally cool with you calling me daddy." His staff members and Secret Service quickly ushered the Vice President out of the bar, and apologized to Ms. Prince and Mr. Stevens.

Tailfeathers owner Sharon Gray refused to answer any questions regarding the incident, saying only that she "regrets that it had to happen" and she "believes the Vice President's behavior was unacceptable for anybody and certainly inexcusable for America's second in command."

The Vice President has not yet been available for comment, and The White House has not addressed the incident. However, just before press time several reporters received a text message from a restricted number stating, "No harm no foul, baby. That's how I roll."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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