While academics everywhere are throwing their hands up in horror at the prospect of proposed £4.2 billion cuts in university funding, one professor welcomes them.
"Bring it on!" says Lancelot D. Petrarch, head of the English Department at the University of Thames Valley East.
Speaking to us from the campus near Staines, Professor Petrarch said: "I don't give a flying f**k if they cut the budget at this place.
"Believe me, I could do with a reduction in the number of students.
"Day in, day out it's 'Professor, can I have more time to do this paper?' 'Professor, my copy of Milton fell in the river.' They get right on my tits.
"Every half-wit round these suburbs who has a couple of crap A-levels thinks they can come here and do English. They think it's easy - just reading books.
"Well they get a shock and most of 'em leave here with a third - those who don't drop out after their first confrontation at this level with Spenser. They're just thick and there's too many of them.
However university Vice-chancellor, Dame Lynette Crackling said: "Ha ha ha. Good old Lance. He's a card, that one."
