Written by B Pierce

Friday, 15 October 2010

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image for Judge who halted "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" reverses decision after finally renting 'The Birdcage.'

SAN FRANSISCO, CA - In an astonishing move, the federal judge who ended "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has lifted the injunction, citing the "unbelievably gay" feature film 'The Birdcage,' which she rented over the weekend.

On October 12, U.S. District Court Judge Virginia A. Phillips issued a landmark injunction ordering the United States military to halt its "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that prohibited gays from serving openly in the armed services. Judge Phillips had earlier deemed the policy unconstitutional, stating that it violated due process rights and freedom of speech. It was an unprecedented ruling that gay rights groups hailed as a monumental step toward equality, while detractors lambasted Judge Phillips and labeled her an overreaching judicial activist.

It now appears both sides can give it a rest. Effective this morning, Judge Phillips has lifted the injunction and encouraged the military to "vigorously press on" with the policy, stating that even though only a week had passed, "enough damage may have already been done."

Judge Phillips held a press conference to address the abrupt about face. When pressed for a rationale, she explained to reporters that she "finally got around to renting" the "outrageously flamboyant and gay" comedy 'The Birdcage.' Judge Phillips stated that the movie successfully demonstrated to her what supporters of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" had failed to in court.

"Hundreds of hours of witness testimony, thousands of pages of military documents, and endless droning on about deference to Congress was unable to convince me of the dangers posed by openly gay service," reasoned Judge Phillips. "However, seeing Robin Williams sashaying in those pink pants and Hawaiian shirts while Nathan Lane pranced around in drag under the stage name 'Starina' made me realize the gravity of my mistake," Judge Phillips lamented. "I mean c'mon, who wants to look over in a fox hole and see a shrieking gay guy?"

When asked for further comment Judge Phillips simply stated, "That shit was gay."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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