The CEO of a wrestling federation has been indicted on 113 counts of Manslaughter: Depraved Indifference to Human Life, by a New York County Grand Jury.
The charges against the CEO stem from the 113 wrestlers, past and present, that have died before age 65. Almost all have died of heart attacks or drug overdose following a documented addiction to prescription pain killers.
That all these wrestlers are dead? Seriously, WTF?
"I don't get it," said the NY District Attorney who sought the indictment. "One gay kid jumps off of the GWB, and everyone has a f--king stroke over it. Being gay, or being outed, didn't kill him. Hitting the East River at 50 MPH killed him."
"In this case, well over a hundred people in the same profession die young, and all of similar causes," continued the DA. "And no one gives a sh-t? Why, because they are all muscle-headed retards? Well, even muscle-headed retards can't be murdered without someone paying for their deaths."
The indicted CEO launched an intense media campaign to taint the potential jury pool.
"These are all tragic, unfortunate deaths," said the CEO. "But they were all tragic, unfortunate coincidences."
"How is it my fault that Lance Cade, and Jay Youngblood, and Rick McGraw, and Joey Marella, and Ed Gatner, and Buzz Sawyer, and Crash Holly, and Kerry Von Erich, and D.J. Peterson, and Eddie Gilbert. Oh, and The Renegade, and Chris Candido, and Test, and Adrian Adonis, and Gary Albright, and Bobby Duncum Jr., and Owen Hart, and Yokozuna, and Big Dick Dudley, and Brian Pillman, and Marianna Komlos, and Umaga, and Pitbull, and Randy Anderson, and Bruiser Brody, and Miss Elizabeth, and Hawk, and Mitsuharu Misawa, and Ludvig Borga, and Luna Vachon, and Steve Dunn, and Cousin Junior, and Dick Murdoch, and Jumbo Tsuruta, and Rocco Rock, and Sherri Martel and Steve Williams all died because of their wrestling careers?"
"And I haven't forgotten the Big Boss Man, and Earthquake, and Mike Awesome, and Biff Wellington, and Brian Adams (Crush), and Ray Candy, and Nancy Benoit (Woman), and Dino Bravo, and Curt Hennig, and El Gigante/Giant Gonzalez, and Bam Bam Bigelow, and Jerry Blackwell, and Junkyard Dog, and Hercules, and Toni Adams, and Andre the Giant, and Big John Studd, and Chris Adams, and Mike Davis," continued the CEO. "But, again, tragic coincidence."
"And," said the CEO, now visibly sweating. "There's also Malice, and Emory Hale, and Leroy Brown, and Mark Curtis, and Eddie Guerrero, and John Kronus, and Davey Boy Smith, and Johnny Grunge, and Chris Kanyon, and Vivian Vachon, and Jeep Swenson, and Brady Boone, and Terry Gordy, and Bertha Faye, and Billy Joe Travis, and Larry Cameron, and Rick Rude. More coincidences."
"Finally, I haven't forgotten Uncle Elmer, Pez Whatley, Eddie Graham, Tarzan Tyler, Haystacks Calhoun, Kurt Von Hess, Moondog King, Gene Anderson, Dr. Jerry Graham, Bulldog Brown, Tony Parisi, Rufus R. Jones, Ray Stevens, Stan Stasiak, Terry Garvin, Boris Malenko, Little Beaver, Sapphire, Shohei Baba, Dick the Bruiser, George Cannon, Dale Lewis, Gorilla Monsoon, Hiro Matsuda, Bulldog Brower and Wahoo McDaniel. But they were all over 50."
"50 is a good age to die, right?"