In Local news, a recently local woman is said to be in a stable condition following a shopping related mishap, where she inadvertently neglected to purchase supplies of her usual toilet tissue.
It is reported however that she had purchased a large double box of Kleenex man size tissues, a four roll pack of quilted kitchen roll and one of those square boxes of different coloured pretty looking lady tissues that women folk like to keep on their side of the bed and come out of the top one at a time, smell nice and look pretty but have all the absorbent, tissue like properties of a wisp of vapour.
The trouble all began not long after she moved into a local house that had been vacated by a local man who moved out of the area due to no longer wishing to be local 'He did tell me when were exchanging contracts that I should be cautious and that local life comes at a price, but I didn't listen to him' wept the now local lass, softly into her diaphanous lady tissue that managed to retain its structural integrity despite the constant wringing and applications of nose goblins it was receiving.
'So, I thought I had thought of everything, I was alone in the house and I needed to go, you know?' the local woman then raised her eyes up to her eyebrows, wobbled her head from side to side and looked sheepish, which your reporter immediately concluded was the internationally recognised sign language for requiring the use of bathroom facilities when spoken about in polite company or those on short acquaintance.
Apparently what happened next is of such a graphic nature that it can not be repeated in print here, suffice to say, the young lady had to utilise tissue that wasn't envisaged for the intended purpose, 'Please don't tell anyone' said the new to the area young lady, 'I feel so ashamed that I wiped my bum with kitchen roll' Don't worry, we wouldn't tell a soul.