(Dallas, TX - September 29, 2010)…Troubling news out of the Dallas area today, as a small fire escalated into a fiery grave for 26 members of a local tea party affiliate. The unfortunate incident is being described as a tremendous setback for the grassroots movement and their attempts to "Take Our Country Back" to a fantasy world that exists solely in the minds of middle aged conservatives and "Leave it to Beaver" cast members.
Early reports indicate that the casualties could have been entirely avoided had any of the "Teabaggers" simply complied with the firefighters requests to vacate a building that was being rapidly engulfed in flames.
Dennis Johnson, one of the first firefighters to respond to the call, was clearly emotional when speaking with the press.
"It's just not fair. These people were great Americans, caring people and true Patriots. Now that they're gone, I just keep asking myself 'How did this fire start?' 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' 'Who is going to continue to proliferate hate speech and disenfranchise minorities?'"
Prolific radio host Rush Limbaugh, well known for his moderate political views and proclivity to prescription drug fueled sexual harassment incidents, spoke to the lowest percentile of America, excuse me, his listeners, earlier today:
"America, I speak to you with a heavy heart, as today we feel the pain of a national tragedy, a feeling that has been absent in our great country since the Democrats flew planes into the World Trade Center. We mourn the loss of our fellow Americans, may they rest in peace; but any logical mind can see that the real atrocity we have witnessed today is the waste of your tax dollars."
The typically subdued radio host continued to surprise everyone during his out of character rant:
"Open your eyes! Obama's nanny state wants you to rely on the government to save your life in the case of an emergency. Today we need to stand together, as patriotic American patriots, to symbolize our unity against these agents of Government terror. Do you really want your hard earned money paying the salaries of people who will save your life?
"Of course not, let the hardworking Americans keep their money, we don't need federal terrorists invading our privacy when we would be just as well off relying on a perfect stranger to possibly walk by at the exact time we need help. Of course, the pot smoking liberals will make the ridiculous claim that privatizing every aspect of our society will lead to anarchy and fanatical abuse of power, but as Republicans, we're smart enough to realize that anybody who disagrees with us is wrong.
"The time is 9:53."
Greg Roberts, who witnessed the catastrophe firsthand, described the tragedy in great detail "I've never seen anything like it. I mean, I've seen fires before, this is Texas, who loves burning shit with reckless abandonment more then us? Maybe Georgia, but this was unlike anything I've ever experienced. These people were so dedicated to their cause that they willingly allowed themselves to be burned alive before accepting help from 'Obama's Socialist Henchmen.'"
Roberts continued, painting a picture of tremendous chaos and unparalleled ignorance. "The firefighters were trying to help, but everyone kept struggling and yelling about 'cap and trade' and the 'liberal media.' I feel remorse for the victims and their families, but in retrospect, it was pretty fucking retarded."
Sarah Palin, whose career of working for the government before quitting and taking a job with a major news organizations that's owned by a company with profits exceeding $50 billion, prohibit her from becoming the de-facto leader of a government hating, populist movement fighting for the "little guy" was delighted with the "inspiring display of patriotism."
"This was clearly a publicity stunt orchestrated by the Obama administration, who may, or may not, be lead by a socialist Muslim from Kenya. If people didn't drink the 'lame-stream media Kool-Aid' they would be able to see what is really going on here. This was no accident; it's obvious to any real American that the Federal Government started this fire so they could save the victims and show us how badly we need them!" Palin, whose only employer is the most prolific media outlet in America, continued to bash the media "You won't get this story from the other networks who are too busy cheer leading for The White House to realize how many obscure details can be manipulated into far-fetched coincidences that are then compiled into sound bites we can utilize to portray a specific narrative that will eventually dictate the minds of people who won't stop asking questions until they get answers that perfectly align with our preposterous ideology. It's so typical of liberals to accept "confirmed information," "first hand accounts" and "witness testimony given under oath" as facts. Thank God Conservatives don't have that problem."
President Obama was not able to make a comment on the tragedy because he was already scheduled to be the Keynote Speaker at the 6th Annual Promoting Muslim Dominance Pot Luck Dinner.