Parachute maker Jerry Open-Shoot died today in a freak accident when a skydiver using his newly designed parachute landed on top of him. Miraculously, the skydiver, Jerry Freefall, was alive and completely unscathed by the incident. Apparently, Freefall, landed on top of Open-Shoot during a sky dive, when his parachute failed to open.
Jerry Open-Shoot's body happened to break Freefall's fall to earth and saved his life. Some say that Open-Shoot's 500 pounds may have had a say in breaking Freefall's fall.
"This was absolutely exhilarating!" Declared Freefall after bouncing off of Open-Shoot and landing on his feet. "Man… I have never had such an experience like this in my entire life".
Continued a thrilled Freefall, "hell, I bought this parachute because it guaranteed the best skydiving experience ever, with every skydiver landing softly on the ground and on their feet. I had no idea that the owner, Jerry Open-Shoot would be personally involved in seeing that guarantee through. Hell, I would recommend this parachute to anyone. Jerry Open-Shoot is the man!"
When asked, if he could explain why six of his sky diving companions, all using the same Open-Shoot parachute, ended up dead on the ground, FreeFall responded:
"I guess they just didn't have the parachute fastened right. Either that, or they did not pass the one bounce test".
When authorities went to Open-Shoot's home to notify his wife of the tragedy, she seemed, rather relieved to see it was not Jerry Open-Shoot himself at the door.
"Oh thank goodness it is you guys!" She proclaimed. "Wow, we were really worried that it might have been Jerry coming home early from his walk. I mean this is really horrible. I mean really, really horrible. I need a moment to re-check his will to ensure that he did leave everything to me in case of his death. I will be back shortly".
An anonymous man who was with Open-Shoot's wife, dressed only in a bath towel, added, "Wow, you guys really scared the crap out of us. Jerry usually spends at least two hours on his walks and when you guys banged at the door within a half hour after he left… well… you get the message".